Fuck Health Professionals.

I am so angry I can't even begin...

So I'll just leap into it.

They won't give me my medical records from my Uni, because maybe, just maybe the doctor isn't done with them, some two or three weeks after she wrote them. They will fax them to my doctor, but will not release them to me... (I have to authorize them to let my doctor receive the though) IRONY.

All I want to do is exercise... And tomorrow, that's most of what I will do. I have to study for a test, and write an essay, but the essay will be short and sweet, and I'm going to be at the gym for as long as possible. Fuck my doctors, fuck my parents. This is for me.

As the doctors appointment went, I weighed in at 144.8 from 154.2 six days before. Was I ecstatic? Most definitely. Was my Doctor? Most definitely not. He threatened hospitalization if I dip under 140 in the next three weeks haha. 140 He recommended I speak with my parents about my stress level... Blah, blah, blah. (I attempted to that night, took an hour and fifteen minutes of stress and sobbing and being told all my stress was my fault. However I still did not convey that ED is part of it. My mother wouldn't hear it anyway. This whole thing led me to a 3.5 mile run. =] Pushed exhaustion though...) I now have weekly 'weigh ins' with my doctor, for the next three weeks (since at the end of the three I have an appointment with a psych). If I dip below 140 even once, he calls my parents.

I'm going to do everything in my power to be under 140 as soon as possible. I'll also do my best not to let him know. But I won't let this stop me, thicker clothes, more water, etc. I'm not a huge fan of the idea, however at this point I need to be at least 18 for this to work. I'm not going to be forced into 'recovery' because they only think I have a problem. I have one, and I'm going to keep it.

Meanwhile, I'm ready to start fooling everyone else. Eli, I doubt is possible. But I'm going to try. But I'm done with food. I hate feeling like shit to satiate people. I do NOT deserve it.

Just wait until my 18th birthday. I'm going to say fuck it to all of them....

P.S. (this excludes Eli of course, as well as Phillip {who turned around}, Chiara who's my bestie, and Darcy{who is my soul sister =]})

Goooodbyyyee food. I don't need you anymore, from the moment Eli leaves tonight, it will be liquids until I see his face across the dinner table on sunday. And there will be exercise. Sick, amounts of exercise.

lovelies, keep emailing me. I'm having a really hard time right now.

xxxblakexxx

Stay strong, Think Thin, LIVE Ana

We will all be beautiful.

1 hour and 30 minutes... OH Shit.

Fantastic news on the Ana front, stepped on the scale naked last night to reveal 142...

By 20 minutes ago, (12:55pm) I was 143 with all my clothes on...

So I've been insanely successful, I'm sort of glad I chose to dump the ABC idea I had a while back, because I seem to do far better when I don't have a limit, but I just try to avoid food.

On the doctor front, the above-mentioned 143 will probably not make him as happy as it has made me, considering that even with my wallet and everything it's still a weight loss of around 6 pounds... Which I imagine could be considered unhealthy... ;]

It's a pity I feel so good. I mean, I'm exhausted and my stomach wont stop growling, but I'm feeling powerful.

Unfortunately, tonight is pizza night, since I'm working at the Pizza Parlor I'll be bringing one home, however I've been examining ingredients, and have been considering a (for me) half vegetarian [bell peppers, onions, artichoke] with low fat cheese, and (for Eli) half five meat with low-fat cheese. If I do that, two slices will put me at around 300 calories, which is never a bad number when you're eating pizza, unless its per slice haha.

It will be strange though, because it'll be solid. And I haven't had real solid food since saturday, and then all I had was a salad and some bread. But other than that it's been soup and water mostly. I'm looking forward to the pizza actually, I told myself I could have it after my doctors appointment, and then tomorrow is chinese chicken night, which I can make for around 200 cal for my serving, then It will be back to near nothing thurs &fri, and sat will be a fast since sunday I eat at Eli's parents with them and his brother as well. And it would be good for me to be hungry when I get there so I eat like a normal person in front of his brother... More on that later...

Tick tock... I'm getting really nervous... Eli is coming with me this time... Even said he'd like to be in the room. I'm not sure if I'm going to ask the doctor if it's okay, or if I'm going to just bring him in. I'll probably ask about it first though. STRESS. ugh, but it's going to be okay, he wont do anything, he'll just try and scare me again, if I get into the low 130s that's when he'll be concerned.. But I doubt he'd do anything extreme before hand.

Thank God.

I may be wrong, but I'm going to keep trying to convince myself.

Stay strong for me lovelies. It's going to be a really hard day.

xxxblakexxx

28 hours 30 minutes and counting...

Then I see my doctor...

Then he sees my weight.

Then he sees it's not above 150.

And I'm satisfied, but he's still 'Concerned'...

Then something happens. But I don't know what. And I am TERRIFIED.

I'll look at Eli, because he's going to try and come with me. He'll probably try to console me, but it probably wont work. And everything will change. I just don't know what the everything will be yet.

My god I'm craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

I really miss the days when it was as simple as grabbing the food that I wanted and eating it, before the number attached to the meal ruined my whole day. Before making it lower, ruled my life. Before I got a beautiful man involved in something dark and ruining. Before I decided I could never forgive myself for it.

Update: 146.5 lbs as of 7:30 this morning. Mayday, we have a problem.

On the one hand I'm sickly satisfied, but on the other I know that

this can be really damaging. I'm hoping that Eli can come actually, then he can ask the doctor any questions he has... Even if he's late, I just really hope he can. Maybe because I'd like some comfort, and maybe because I think it would make it easier if the doctor talked to him instead of my parents. Because he wont force me to change anything... And it would be wrong of him to try, it's too much responsibility.

I guess I'm just praying that if it comes to talking to someone, that my doctor will choose Eli instead because Then I'll be safe, I really just can't mentally deal with my parents being

involved. It'll only make things worse... Which I occasionally think will let me lose weight faster. But I'm not willing to chance their legitimate involvement.

I think of 146.5 and I just think, It could be lower, I could be thinner, I should have had less, I should have exercised. If for some unknown reason the scale says 144 .- when I wake up tomorrow I will be so satisfied, I'm keeping a mostly liquid diet until I am into the 130's it may be 138 but it's going to be there before I'm scarfing down any taco salad or anything.

I know I can do this, I am strong, I have willpower, I will be thin, and I will not let anything get in my way.

Today: Yogurt smoothie

total cal:125

Tonight I'm having cream of celery soup

total cal: 70

Day total:195

=D =D =D

But it could be less....

thin thin lovelies, it's SO attainable!

xxxblakexxx

Craziness

I'm so sorry for the absence lovelies. My life has been super stressful lately...

Quick update now, but I'll try and write something good before the weekend is over.

Went to the doctor on wednesday, I was weighed a little bit ehrm... heavy, (thank you wallet and cell phone and keys) you'd think they'd know better. But oh well, =] However, he looked at my weight (154.2 there) and told me that I had to be at or above 150 when I see him next tuesday...

There was an or else tone, but I don't know what it meant... And 150 is still clearly in the fat range, but he went on about the fact that I'm muscular and so 150 for me is like 130 for someone else... But still, my weight is going to drop before I get there on tuesday, I know it. I'm just afraid of what he wants to do, or the fact that I don't know what he wants to do.

Other than that I'm just in major pain, but my bosses both gave me next weekend off so I get to go the beach and also meet Eli's brother *feels special* I'm hoping it's going to be a good experience.

I'll update you all for real soon!

loves!

xxxblakexxx

stay strong, think thin, live, for yourself

Any takers?

UGHHHH....

FAT FAT FAT

We made cupcakes. REALLY YUMMY CUPCAKES.

So I've had two, in 24 hours. And I'm kicking myself for it. But I'm going to the gym in three short hours. And I'm going to be there until I drop a pound. I don't care if its water weight. I'm not leaving until 5:30 if I have to. (because I work at 6) I have my doctors appointment, and I've been letting go because of the look on Eli's face sometimes. It just feels like a punch in the stomach. I feel like a horrible person, and I just eat whatever he puts in front of me. I can't help it.

Luckily, my home scale has been nice and fluctuating between 145 and 147 so I'm not going to post any huge complaints for a while. haha I was 147.8 at the gym yesterday(before the cupcakes though... =[ ) I'm going to aim to be under 147.5 by the time I leave, but I don't know what weight I'll be at when I get there.

My appointment is next wednesday and starting on sunday I'm having only liquids until I tuesday night, and then I'm having nothing from 8pm until my appointment (Although I'm allowing 8 ounces of water if I'm totally dying). I'm downing a few diuretics and maybe a laxative, I need to get everything out of my system, I've worked too hard.

I just know that the next time I go, and the scales down some more that I'll be motivated again, I'll know that I'm wasting, that EVERYTHING is working. I'm going to start jogging at night, only if my homework is done. So that should mean I'll start getting my homework done more often. I can't let myself fail because I'm spending all my time thinking of calories, although it would be so easy... Sometimes I just wish I had a year to waste and then I could start school again without all the thinking.

I'm excited to be going to the gym, I just wish there was something I did on a regular basis that burned calories like crazy, like Eli, he goes on a bike ride and burns 2500 calories. It kills me. =[

I've been spacing on the concept that some people say we're genetically pre-disposed to be anorexic (or fucked up in general). That we can't help it, something happened when we were developing (too much coffee mom) that affected the way we process our body image. Others say we choose, they support the pro-ana "lifestyle" as a choice that anyone can make, and not as something that consumes much of every day. Personally, I don't know where I stand on this. I'm not sure if it's the simple black and white that everyone thinks it is. I feel that it's much more than a yay or nay, a pre-disposed or a choice. People don't seem to understand that even if someone 'chooses' this for themselves. It becomes a part of you that you can't ignore.

Game Plan: under 500 cal per day until Saturday night. Last day of energy drinks

Sunday under 500 of ALL liquids

Monday under 400 of All liquids

Tuesday under 300 or 400 of All liquids (before 8 pm)

Wednesday Nothing until weigh in at 2:30

This is a pretty basic idea, I'm going to stick to it best I can. On the first two liquid days I'm going to be fairly easy on myself as long as stay with only liquids, and away from carbonation.

Sunday will be pretty easy, I'm going to tell Eli that I am doing a liquid day and he'll probably do it with me. =] (WIN)

Monday will be slightly more difficult but it's likely I won't see him most of the day anyway, I'm going to class from 8-2 and then hopefully work until late. No monday night dinner at the sorority, no dinner with him. lots of liquids, and maybe a smoothie or a coffee drink on campus because it's going to be a harder day.

Tuesday I'm pretty sure will destroy me, especially because I have to be at the sorority at 6:30 which means I'll be around food. and I'm going to have a lot of homework as well. But as long as I get home before eight I'll probably make myself one more smoothie and then hit the gym. If I go exercise (it'd be like a walk on a treadmill) I'll give myself half a bottle of water, if not. Then I'm going to crash early and sleep a lot.

Wednesday will actually be easy, it wont be hard to avoid everything until 2:30 especially if I borrow Eli's car....

That's my game plan for the week. Any takers? I'd LOVE a buddy for this one. It's gonna give me some trouble I can feel it.

stay strong my lovelies

think thin, live ana

xxxblakexxx

Plans do make you feel secure... Or maybe it's Brainstorming?

148.1 at the gym, the number doesn't make me happy. But I was dressed, I had been drinking water, I hadn't exercised in a couple of weeks. And the scale at home, (the thing I usually go by) said 144 last night with no clothes on. All of this is definite progress. This means that I can hit 140 sometime next week if I really push it. (again, on my home scale with no clothes, that will constitute a four pound loss, which is what I'm the most concerned about, not so much the number, but the difference in numbers right now.) As long as I do this I'll be right on track for my doctors appointment, which have turned into motivation for everything rather than a detriment to my success.

I went and talked to the stupid doctor, that my general practitioner wanted me to see. Not happy. I do not like her at all. She's old and fat, and asks irrelevant questions and now I have to journal everything I eat, which I'm doing, and then I'm going to buy a notebook a couple days before I see her and I'm going to essentially write down a halved Eli diet. I'm just taking whatever he eats and halving it and writing it down to give her. Then she'll be like 'Oh, you should eat more, but you're doing fine, and you're really not exercising much.' =] Ahh, life is good.

I feel so positive right now, but what I really is to study my biology, find an organic chemistry tutor, and start exercising more regularly, as well as going to bed earlier. I'm going to add a To Do list to the side bar over there ==>

I'll start checking things off as I go, and it'll make it nicer to have it written out there for everyone to see. I think it will be more motivating.

Weight is going to melllllt.

I've ingested near as much as I'm going to for today, it's put me under 300 cal and I'm going to have a smoothie soon (thanks to phillip) who swore it will be completely sugar free. Which means when done the way I asked will be 10 cal =] [sugar free red-bull, sugar free flavored syrup, and ice] I'm trying to stay away from carbonation, but it wont be the end of the world. Plus it's gonna be the only carbonation I have before (saturday?) i'm pretty sure. Saturday will be a 30 cal energy drink just to get me through all my homework. Given, I'll eat, but I cope so much better when I'm not trying to restrict to zero. I'm just very specific of serving sizes. And I cut corners when I'm preparing things.

It's getting so easy, I think because I'm talking about it more with Eli. He almost cried the other night, but he knows I'm going to the doctor and he knows they can medically 'do more' than he can. Which opens up a lot for me. I am just so excited for christmas, I'm going to look so fantastic! =] Provided everything continues that way that it is. I'm pretty sure that I'm having at least a 1000 calorie deficit almost every day. However, if I can push that to 1500, I should lose around 3 pounds per week. which will give me around 5 more pounds before my doctors appointment, possibly a little less, but it's all good. It's enough to make a difference, and that's all I need, just a little bit thinner every day. I'm going to post pictures when I hit 135! So motivate me you guys and I'll start getting pictures up! After that I'm going to get up a picture every 5 pounds.

I've been thinking a lot, and I understand the fear that I'm going to restrict my way straight into the hospital... Sometimes though, I feel like that wouldn't be so bad. My parents having to know. Maybe they wouldn't push me so hard so much, maybe I could do better with everything without all the pressure. I know I shouldn't end up in the hospital, and I know I'm a really long way from getting there. But if i end up there, I don't know if its the end of my world. I feel like I have a different 'Ana' perspective there, I don't want to trick anyone when my weight gets that low, I'd gain a little, and then teeter there.

I guess I’m just to the point where I guess I don’t want to be seen as so capable, I want to be.. fragile. And I want to be helped. But not yet, not before I get there. I know that it’s flawed to want to be the weak one. And I know I won’t want to be weak like that forever, I just… For a little bit, don’t want to be so fucking responsible. I want to be taken care of a little bit, if that puts me in the hospital next summer, I don’t really care. Gaaah and It kills me, because I know it’s wrong, I know it’s flawed. But I’m so beyond coping. Then again, I feel like this may be partially stemmed by my lack of organic chemistry skill, and the fact that I have to get an A in it, to make it into med school.

THAT’S A LOT OF STRESS. Plus working, knowing I need to pay Phillip back around six hundred dollars. And knowing that I need to do that all before Christmas. Well, not technically, but I’d feel a hell of a lot better if I wasn’t buying Christmas presents while I owed him something. However I feel that it’s likely I’ll end up doing that, either that or I’ll pay him off and then get him something little, as his ‘christmas present’. On a side note, there’s this tool kit that I really know that Eli wants, its about 150 dollars but I feel that it could be a super cool present. I’ve already figured out what I’m getting Chiara, and whatever big I end up with in a sorority. =] Those gifts aren’t too expensive, but I’m going to put together sort of gift baskets.

I’m also going to start going through all of my clothes sometime in the next week. I’m going to sell everything I can, and send all the rest to goodwill. I’m hoping I can make some good cash towards paying phillip and decorating the apartment. =]

That’s the majority of what I have going on right now, I’m just trying to keep everything together, but next week will slow down a bit which is good. I’ll be exercising in the morning with Chiara and Phillip (around 6:30am) and then I’ll be able to exercise in the afternoons for a while.

Love you all!

xxxblakexxx

Ready, set, starve!

My doctor called me again...

Asked if I'd gotten the appointment at student health... I lied, I said I didn't because I didn't want to have to go if I didn't want to... He told me I had to get in there... That I had to make an appointment, and essentially that if I didn't... He was concerned enough to try to contact my parents. See, on the one hand, he can't. Its a breach of doctor-patient confidentiality... On the other, he has every right, because he believes I am going to become a danger to myself. I really think that It's kind of ironic... That after all this time, someone might actually talk to my parents... And when I'm so close to my eighteenth birthday too... =/

On a side note, I drank with a friend friday night, and we really wanted food... Went to my apartment and he and I ate half the fridge. There were cinnamon rolls and lean pockets, and pizza slices. I woke up at 155 pounds, totally screwing over all my progress... On the happy note, I've eaten virtually nothing, and I'm down to 146 today but I'm teetering so easily from there to 150 that it's kind of scary... I'm not overly concerned however because I've majorly managed to strengthen my resolve. I found that before I was trying to avoid all food sources because it made me hungry, and now, I'm sitting near one of my favorite places to eat, just enjoying the smell of it all. Because I know I'm stronger than that. I rolled around three hundred calories yesterday, planning on even less today. Plus I'm busier.

I've been sick for the past couple days, so I haven't made it to the gym at all, but I figure I should give myself the chance to really deal with this before it gets worse and I'm out of the gym for way more than a week. But next week I'm going to the gym at 6:30 A.M. monday through thursday with Chiara and Phillip, monday wednesday is full body, tuesday thursday is yoga. I'm looking forward to kicking off my day with that... And water. Haha

I know I can drop five pounds in the next few weeks, before I see my doctor. He's not going to call my parents and I know that. Because he knows as soon as he does, I'll lie. And explain to them how I'm so busy, and how I just don't always eat much, because I forget. They'll feel so bad, tell me to take some time off work and life will be good.

Every time he tells me he's worried. I'm that much more motivated. I'm going to scare him. And it's going to feel really good. =] Every weak moment my body has, my mind feels stronger. I love being surrounded by the warm smell of food. Just sipping my water. The only person with any willpower. It's a pity really. I should have realized how good I could be at this a long time ago.

Stay with me ladies, I'm back. I'm done letting anyone get in my way. Not Eli, nor phillip, or chiara, or my doctor.

This. Is. Mine.

And I intend to claim it. I've got my skinny planned out. Just imagine how nice christmas will be =] 20 pounds from now.

xoxo lovelies!

xxxblakexxx

Slight intermission there. Had ballet! Have to burn off the fat somehow. Even if I am sick. =[ But not to worry, I actually started getting dizzy in class. Whether it be from being sick, or severe restriction. I know that my body can go for a long time on just water. I have plenty of fat reserves. I haven't felt what hungry feels like yet. I've only felt what wanting feels like.

And I like it. I like wanting. It means it's all working correctly. I can go so far with this. I can exercise harder. I can eat even less. I'm on water so far. And I'm a third of the way through my day. =] I have a low-carb, low-cal, low-sugar energy drink to sip when I go to lunch at 2, and if he pesters me. And my resolve fails me. I will chop things up into such minuscule little bites that I'll hardly have anything at all.

I keep talking to Eli about everything. A little bit every day, and it has seemed to slow down his questioning of everything. I let him peek at all the numbers in my head. We agreed, it's a miracle I'm not failing every class. I can hardly think of anything. Just food, and cutting calories, and perfection, something that I am not going to achieve if I can't focus. I need to achieve a Ghandi like mentality, let my lack of food aid me in studying.

Sitting around, watching all the fat people eat. I swear I don't see anyone of an average, healthy weight. Everyone is either overweight, or underweight, and the latter, certainly doesn't... 'outweigh' the first (morbid I know)

I am going to be so proud of myself if I can make it through the day on water. In fact, if I manage to just have water during lunch with ross, I'm not going to have anything but it for the rest of the day. In fact I'll probably just up my intake by another bottle and call it good... If all works well I'll try and hold a water fast through tomorrow. I've been doing well so far, it's getting easier to restrict everything. But I'm not losing fast enough anymore. It'll change though. Being back at the gym next week will do such a good job of kicking my body into gear. I'm pretty sure if I really tried, I could stay on water until then. I'd be in a bit of euphoria by bid day (the last day of sorority recruitment at my uni, yes I am for positive joining one). But I like the idea of the 'runners high' from dieting. The longer you do it, the easier it becomes.

If I can make it until friday like this, there will be no excuse to not make it till monday. Gahhh day one, two, and three... They are going to destroy me emotionally. (side note: I'm also taking dayquil cough syrup which rolls in at 93 calories a serving =[ ) I'm going to keep taking it though, as I'm going to try and make it my only intake, which should still keep my intake under 300 cal per day. I need to do a weigh in at the gym, I need to find out how much I actually weigh. Because when I go to the doctor I need the scale at the gym to say no more than 143, and I think I am a far cry from there right now.

Sorry for the insane ranting... I guess it's easier than eating.

I miss you all, sorry for being so lame about responding to emails. Keep at me though! I'll get back to you =]

xxxblakexxx

Shitty Post...

Sorry guys...

I'm just so tired. I've worked so many hours recently, that I just don't really know what to do... My feet are killing me, My weight is up... I can't even talk about it.

Ever heard of the master cleanse? Yeah? No? You should google it. It's good, well that's what I hear... I'm thinking of trying it.. And Eli has stopped reading completely. =] =] =] So now maybe he'll talk to me instead hah. But I'm very interested in this master cleanse thing, you can lose a LOT of weight on it. And plus, it's a detox that you can do for 40 days, liquid only. I wouldn't do it for 40 most likely, but just enough to make some progress. =]

So. Much. Homework. FML

I'm in class so I should... get to it..

Love you all, I miss you bunches!

email me please!

firestarsilver@yahoo.com

xxxblakexxx