Success within the mirror.

So here's the thing. I was having all of these negative feelings this morning. And I wrote this blog post, Stressing over where my head is at right now, etc. and I realized, I'm really afraid of having a diagnosis. Which is weird, because for the longest time that was exactly what I wanted, like a validation of some sort… Like congrats you're sick enough to deserve help. But now I'm afraid of how it will affect my life in the future.  My health insurance, future doctor visits, etc.

I'm also afraid of what it would be. Because I don't want a diagnosis that also makes me feel like a failure.

Part of me worries that I won't be able to deal with any of this without having a diagnosis. That fixing it requires accepting it and dealing with it. But I worry about what that will take from school.

I also really wish I could see my therapist 2x per week. But that isn't part of the treatment plan and I don't think I'd be able to increase it without divulging more than I feel ready to share at the moment. Especially because I'm afraid this would lead to more with the psych he wants me to talk to. The way that meeting the med prescriber goes, is they have a consult with me and then they either deem that they can check in with me on the phone once in a while and I can just see my current therapist, or they require that I meet with them semi-regularly to follow-up in addition to seeing my therapist, and I like the current guy and I don't really want to mess that up, I like talking to him, it's as comfortable as it can be I think and I'm afraid of talking to someone else.

But then I got home from school and stepped on the scale.

144.2lbs

Now I don't even care. I'm so fucking elated right now that I really just don't care.

I wasn't able to fast like I wanted to the last couple of days but I did get away with only one meal and a couple of snacks each day on Su/M/T and today I've had a few grapes and a 140kcal fiber/protein bar.

I know dinner is on the menu tonight. Eli says 'we should talk'.

I already know why. He watched me stare at the snack drawer reading labels for 5 minutes today and finally snapped "It's okay, just take one!"

I know what this conversation is about and I know it isn't going to go very well. I'm too happy about today's numbers. 

I also know he finds me more attractive now than the twenty pounds more that I weighed in August.

stay strong

xxblake

Midterm Exams...

Totally overwhelming... I've alternated between bingeing and restricting so much I can't even handle life haha.

There was this girl with an ED that came into my clinic shift this last week. She's been IP a couple of times and IOP a couple more. It makes me feel like a failure. I get that this is the nature of this disorder, the competitiveness... But I hate that I've never been sick enough for that.

I want to fast. SO badly. Next week for a couple of days I think. Maybe sunday, monday, and half of tuesday. I'll include juice and maybe a protein shake. But keep it under 300kcal, 500kcal, and 200kcal respectively. So fasting, but not so much.

I want to do more than that. Maybe also on Thursday... I just have to be careful because we're going to go out on Friday and Saturday night for halloween and I want to not look totally hideous in my dress because I'm going to be the devil in this tight little dress. =/ But I also know that if I eat nothing then I'll be a shitty mess when we go out.

I see my psychologist again on Tuesday, and he wants me to see a psychiatrist at the clinic to get on anti-anxiety medication. Does anyone have experience with those? Did it make you gain?

3-5 pounds by next weekend. We can do this.

xxblake

Dinner out...

Fast was successful yesterday, (mostly) had half an apple and some broth last night but still went to bed hungry. I've had fruit today and some mini rice cakes (because I'm weak). Dinner out is looming. I told Eli last night that maybe we shouldn't go. But I'm afraid to not go. If I back out now, he'll want to talk about why.

I don't want to talk about why. I just want to shrink. Down another couple of pounds. I think I'm going to stay on the pills I'm on for another week (apparently it makes you bloat a bunch). Then see what I look like and see if I drop any weight after I come off of it. It has a half life of 36hrs so it takes about 2 weeks to get out of my system fully.

I wish I felt thinner. I'm watching the scale change but I don't feel like I'm changing.

Good luck this weekend lovelies
xxblake

Here's a pic... ugh.

Fasting has actually been going pretty well... I haven't craved carbs like this in a while though. I thought I'd actually post a picture of where I'm at right now because I don't know that I've ever done that before. It won't be my face for obvious reasons but I think I'll be more accountable if I realize other people have seen how awful I look...

I'm bloated as shit and I have that nasty belly pooch but it is significantly better than it was just in July. I'm getting back that familiar bridge from my hip bones. I forgot how I had missed that. Lets see how much progress I can make before Halloween... I may have already hit my GW for that date but what fun it would be to get to my holiday GW by the time I have to get dressed up to go out!

Why is it that my boobs are always first to go?

xxblake
stay strong lovelies

Fasting today...

Because why not? Eli isn't here all day today and my schedule doesn't overlap as much with my friend from school.

No one will notice. No one would even care.

I may have my coffee this morning, but other than that a little bit of juice diluted with water, tea, and if I'm just jonesing for food I'll have some broth (5kcal per cup). Then adderall to keep me focused through the day. I'm almost giddy about the whole idea. I had forgotten about how much I missed this control.

If all goes well and everything is avoidable, I may continue on into tomorrow (until we go out for dinner. Dee we're supposed to be on this meal program with a 'cheat meal' on Friday. So it isn't just going out for dinner, it's finding the crappiest food that tastes the absolute best and gorging ourselves on it for dinner Friday. Shit. The benefit is we aren't supposed to bring leftovers home. So whatever I don't finish we leave at the restaurant.

I've already got a couple of rules for it, no cheese, no deep fried (they make my stomach hurt).
The options left after that are already a lot better.

Well, anyway. Off to put my nose to the grindstone, exam this afternoon. Fasting today, fasting half of tomorrow? Should be a floaty time.

xxblake

New Drug?

I've started on a new weight loss drug... I know that it has been considered very dangerous by some but I don't really care at this point. My weight can't keep staying the same. I'm being careful with it, taking all the necessary supplements and drinking plenty of water.

If Eli finds out, game over.

It just makes me so warm. This still shouldn't be as bad as using it in the summertime was. It also makes me super out of it, but then I have adderall to pick me back up...  Just get rid of this plateau, because more exercise and less food doesn't seem to be doing it. If I could just lose like 5 or 10 pounds for right now I'd be happy.

Oh who am I kidding, no I wouldn't be.

xxblake

Happy Monday I Guess...

I had another nightmare last night. This time Eli didn't leave me, this time I died. But I was still there, and I kept trying to tell everyone that even though my heart had stopped that I was there and I was fine and everything would be okay.

But no one could see me. Even though they would talk right to me. Everyone said that they couldn't see me. So I guess I really was dead? Maybe it was 'my spirit' or whatever. But I called the doctor that had removed my heart and he could hear me too. But he told me that sometimes this happened. That people just had trouble letting go when it was time and that I needed just to accept that it was the end for me and I needed to leave everyone alone… I started to fade then, so I went to find Eli. But he could see me, and hear me. It was like nothing had changed. Only my heart was no longer beating. But he held me, and it was wonderful. But I started to fade away anyway...

Then I woke up sobbing, and laid with him until I was going to be late for school.

My head is all fucked up again.

xxblake