So here's the thing. I was having all of these negative feelings this morning. And I wrote this blog post, Stressing over where my head is at right now, etc. and I realized, I'm really afraid of having a diagnosis. Which is weird, because for the longest time that was exactly what I wanted, like a validation of some sort… Like congrats you're sick enough to deserve help. But now I'm afraid of how it will affect my life in the future. My health insurance, future doctor visits, etc.
I'm also afraid of what it would be. Because I don't want a diagnosis that also makes me feel like a failure.
Part of me worries that I won't be able to deal with any of this without having a diagnosis. That fixing it requires accepting it and dealing with it. But I worry about what that will take from school.
I also really wish I could see my therapist 2x per week. But that isn't part of the treatment plan and I don't think I'd be able to increase it without divulging more than I feel ready to share at the moment. Especially because I'm afraid this would lead to more with the psych he wants me to talk to. The way that meeting the med prescriber goes, is they have a consult with me and then they either deem that they can check in with me on the phone once in a while and I can just see my current therapist, or they require that I meet with them semi-regularly to follow-up in addition to seeing my therapist, and I like the current guy and I don't really want to mess that up, I like talking to him, it's as comfortable as it can be I think and I'm afraid of talking to someone else.
But then I got home from school and stepped on the scale.
Now I don't even care. I'm so fucking elated right now that I really just don't care.
I wasn't able to fast like I wanted to the last couple of days but I did get away with only one meal and a couple of snacks each day on Su/M/T and today I've had a few grapes and a 140kcal fiber/protein bar.
I know dinner is on the menu tonight. Eli says 'we should talk'.
I already know why. He watched me stare at the snack drawer reading labels for 5 minutes today and finally snapped "It's okay, just take one!"
I know what this conversation is about and I know it isn't going to go very well. I'm too happy about today's numbers.
I also know he finds me more attractive now than the twenty pounds more that I weighed in August.