Aug 13, 2015

Adderall... I'm bAck

I emailed my doctor today.
I thought I could do it without the adderall, I thought I could handle school, life, and everything else.

But I can't, well. I can. But I can't get skinny doing it too.

This way I can. This is the focus that I need. No more struggling to do an assignment I can do on adderall in 2 hours, what would normally take me 8...

I can't wait for that fix. I hate myself a little bit for this. I worked so hard to stop this. To get away from this and feel like myself again. But it isn't actually worth it to me anymore.


xxblake

Aug 12, 2015

Thigh Gap

 A friend on facebook posted a long rant about how she wanted one.

I've had one. I want it back.

After this IRONMAN I had actually been feeling pretty empowered. I felt really good about what I had accomplished and what I was still capable of doing...

TRIGGER.

Insert her facebook rant. She's never had a thigh gap that cost her. I have. She was just thinner at the time and now she overeats. I worked so hard for mine, I gave up so much. Friends, Grades, my Health. Now I have all of those things and I found out yesterday that I received a 1k scholarship. 

But one facebook post from a girl I don't even respect, invalidates all of that. Because I don't have a thigh gap. But I could get one faster than her.

I'm bouncing between what will facilitate doing another ironman and what will get me skinny fastest.

With a trip to cali starting saturday to see Eli's brother (and his wife), whom happens to just be a wisp of a person that makes me feel like an absolute balloon, the timing really couldn't be worse.

Here come the bad decisions.

xxblake

IRONMAN

I am an IRONMAN!

3.8km Swim, 180km Bike, 42.2km Run.
I have never finished something so difficult in my life.

I am proud of myself, and I'm scared too.

I know that training for this thing has kept me eating normally, because of needing energy to train and without that I don't feel the same control.

I've started training for another one rather than face the fact that I can't eat right if I stop training.

I've managed to convince Eli that another one might actually be a good idea. Only this one is in September... So it's really soon, and it's known to be one of the hardest in north america.

Talk about a lapse in judgement.

stay strong
xxblake