I miss feeling weightless and pure. Instead here I am eating all the time. Even while I exercise. In the name of recovery, in the name of fueling. I'm tired of having to eat all the time. I'm not gaining weight. I'm not losing weight. In all reality I know this is the most stable my weight has been in almost a decade.
To measure parts of my life in decades. When only a couple of years ago I measured by hours that were barely creeping by. Calories that added up way too fast.
Here I am planning a wedding with the man I love.
In medical school.
Training for an endurance event I never thought I'd be capable of.
But I'm sinking.
I'm beginning to have those thoughts, the trading thoughts. The voice of ana. The bargaining.
"Well... I'd rather not be able to run as far if I could be thin"
"I wouldn't mind not being able to do triathlons if I looked like those other girls"
"I would give up running if my thighs didn't touch"
Here is the thing though... I've had all of those things, I've looked like the other girls, I was really, really thin, and my thighs were nowhere near touching. And I had to give up all of those things, I couldn't run at all. I could barely walk to class. Doing a triathlon never would have been an option.
So here I am. So much conflict.
stay strong lovelies