Jun 21, 2015

Jun 5, 2015

IV Iron

IV iron 1-2x per week. This is my last one for a bit. The sick part of my wonders that if I'm getting iron injected I don't really need to worry about getting it in my food do I? and if it drops again, they'll just put me back on IV no questions asked.

No one would know.

I just have to keep it together through the Ironman in Canada at the end of July. I can't sink until after that race. I've worked way too hard for this just to get sick and not be able to do it.

I've just got to shut the voice out for a little bit longer...

stay strong

Jun 4, 2015

On fasting...

I miss it. So. Much.

I miss feeling weightless and pure. Instead here I am eating all the time. Even while I exercise. In the name of recovery, in the name of fueling. I'm tired of having to eat all the time. I'm not gaining weight. I'm not losing weight. In all reality I know this is the most stable my weight has been in almost a decade.


To measure parts of my life in decades. When only a couple of years ago I measured by hours that were barely creeping by. Calories that added up way too fast.

Here I am planning a wedding with the man I love.

In medical school.

Training for an endurance event I never thought I'd be capable of.

But I'm sinking.
I'm beginning to have those thoughts, the trading thoughts. The voice of ana. The bargaining.
"Well... I'd rather not be able to run as far if I could be thin"

"I wouldn't mind not being able to do triathlons if I looked like those other girls"

"I would give up running if my thighs didn't touch"

Here is the thing though... I've had all of those things, I've looked like the other girls, I was really, really thin, and my thighs were nowhere near touching. And I had to give up all of those things, I couldn't run at all. I could barely walk to class. Doing a triathlon never would have been an option.

So here I am. So much conflict.

stay strong lovelies

Jun 1, 2015

If wishes were fishes...

I used to wish to be thin...
Thin, beautiful and frail.
No. Matter. What.
I would be perfect.

I wished and I wished, but no one seemed to hear me.

Even when I became so small...

Still empty inside. Sometimes I wished for the pain to end. For the hunger to kill me from the inside out.

Now I wish for life, for happiness and peace.

I want to accept my curves and flaws just as they are. 
I want to be healthy as long as I live. And I want to thank God that no one listed to my first wish.

But I can't.

I'm confused and it confuses me.

stay strong. and keep on keeping on. whatever it is you're keeping-on on.