May 28, 2015


There comes a moment where you realize you aren't really living. You're simply surviving. Sun-up to Sun-down you pass the time. Do what is expected of you. Clean up after yourself, try not to screw up anything too badly. Stuck in a sort of limbo-land.

Nothing in my life is bad really. Nothing in my life is fantastic. I have health issues I'm beginning to drown in and no doctor can seem to find the root cause of the things that have started to spring up. All I can think of is, does this have something to do with Ana? Is she somehow responsible yet again for things in my life falling apart. I know this isn't likely the root of the current situation. But is my history somehow responsible? Could starving myself mess up my hormones, and my blood, this badly, so far after the fact?

I'm on IV iron 2x per week. I can't walk up stairs without getting dizzy, I have one of the rarest blood deficiencies in the world at levels indicating I recently acquired it (HOW?!), I either have poly-cystic ovaries or adult-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (the name of which, disagrees with itself). Nothing makes sense, no one knows what is going on. I am at a total loss.

Just. What?

May 17, 2015


...Now I need someone to breathe me back to life Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on ...You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking, falling onto my knees... Just like a moth drawn to a flame Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain Your bitter heart cold to a touch Now I'm gonna reap what I sow I'm left seeing red on my own Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on... Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head Needle and a thread, gonna. wind. up. dead.

-Shawn Mendes, Stitches

Funny, the way a song is talking about whatever we decide it to be?

May 15, 2015

Thoughts on Music

You know how when you hear an older song, you can remember exactly what you were doing when you heard that song?

Maybe it wasn’t the first time you heard the song, maybe it wasn’t even that special of a day. But you can remember it like you’re back in that moment when you hear the song again. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why music is so memorable, why we can remember lyrics over definitions, tunes over research articles.
I’m not a professional, but my theory is pretty simple. My theory is that we can remember music because it resonates so deeply within us that it is impossible to ignore.

Whenever I hear painted black by Vanessa Carlton, I think of a book I was reading in middle school when I listened to that song over and over.

When ever I hear Courage, by Superchick, Paperbag by Fiona Apple, or Me and Mia by Ted Leo...

I begin to sink.


Hip Bones.

I'm starting to see them again.
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I didn't realize how relieved I was going to feel.

Be back soon, xxblake