Dec 18, 2015

Vacation with Eli's Family

We arrived last night, a beautiful rental house in the snowy mountains here for an early Christmas. Family events are always stressful. I mean everything is food centric. But I'm trying really hard to be calm about it because I don't want to stress Eli out around his family. But he's being kind of a jerk. 

I got up early this morning and showered and did my hair so I'd be ready to go whenever it was time. Not everyone else was up yet and I have sat around for the past two hours waiting and playing around on my tablet. Now Eli seems to be frustrated with me for playing games on it because he wanted to go out and do things. Hello?! Say something.

I've been up and ready to go since before you were even out of bed. You don't get to be mad at me since you never opened your mouth. 

Whatever though. Stressing is good for the appetite.

1/3 banana 30
Half a cup of black tea 0
Blackberry Chia Squeeze 65

We will see what the day brings.

Stay strong lovelies. They can't make me eat.
Xxblake

Dec 15, 2015

Pros & Cons

Why does my current weight feel like too much?
Because I'm fat and jell-o like
My back bulges, my thighs aren't good shape anymore
My arms are enormous and soft, like the michelin man
My face is so round
The only thing that is right is that my clothes go on.
Because I want to be fragile

Weight range I could agree to. 125-135

Pros and cons of losing weight
Pros
Look better
Feel better
Fit all my clothes
Can be in photos
Don't have to stress over how I look
Don't want to cry when I look in the mirror
More active
Compliments are nice
IRONMAN training?
Brett thinks I'm more attractive
Look better in a spandex tri suit
Not the 'fat girl' on the team
Faster
My rings fit better
The scale doesn't confuse Eli and I
I can borrow clothes from friends
My mom even compliments me
No overheating
Meal planning efficiency
Saves money
Dont look like a slob with no self control
Going clothes shopping isn't terrifying
No love handles
Uh Cheekbones
Collarbones for days
You are what you eat
Eli can carry me without straining
Feel clean
No fat rolls when I sit
I feel high when the weight drops on the scale

Cons
Obsess over food
Can't eat out with friends/or it takes forever to choose food
Stress Eli out
Miserable at plateaus 
Lying to Eli about what I eat
My stupid rib becomes more obvious
Apparently people feel entitled to comment at family gatherings
Hungry
Cold. So cold.
Dizzy
More time at the gym
Dumb ridges in my nails
Hair kind of falls out

Cons of me being myself
Can't go to the grocery store like a goddamn adult

So much of this started with my ex. He gave me my first rubber band. Just snap yourself when you're hungry.

 Xxblake 

Dec 12, 2015

Shrinks and shrinking.

I haven't lost any weight still. Final exams. I haven't been to the gym in over two weeks but I'm writing this and then heading out the door to go workout. The weather has been terrible so I haven't even been active outside or anything. There have been flood warnings, etc.

I'm pretty happy that my weight is stable. It didn't seem like it would be possible to maintain with how sedentary I have been but it is.

My shrink asked me about my goal weight at our appointment last week. I told him I didn't really have one... Lies. Then he pushed me and asked what I thought a good number was. I said 125. Lies. He told me that wasn't enough for my build. Then he told me I need to establish a weight range. Something that I think I can feel comfortable in so that I don't have compensatory behaviors when I'm within it I guess. Thing is. I can't imagine a weight range I'd be comfortable in because I'm not comfortable in my body. But I'm thinking 125-135 would be a good number to tell him because I know he'll check it against the BMI charts and whatnot.

He also told me to make a list of pros and cons of losing weight. Like there are cons.

I had Eli make one and I have to take them into my shrink on tuesday. Along with a weight range that I can agree to. 

What happens if I drop below that? Still a long way off especially since my weight loss has seriously slowed down. But I don't know. It worries me to agree to anything. Because I don't know what happens if I don't keep my word.

here goes
xxblake

Dec 3, 2015

141

My weight hasn't gone down, actually it went up a couple of pounds and then back, but my body has changed. Maybe its muscle, I don't really know. But what I do know is that I have a thigh gap again and all my clothes fit or are too big and I'm strangely okay. I want my weight to go lower, but I don't feel the dread I normally feel. The desperation to get away from my current weight.

Maybe this is all temporary and the stress of finals is just getting to me, but some really good stuff has been happening in my life and I am strangely content. Unexpectedly content.

I'm happy.

I still have issues no doubt, I still see my shrink every week. But right now, I'm feeling like I actually am headed towards my goals, like my future is somehow more attainable. I feel like my brain is starting to work again. Maybe I'm just fucking high or something, maybe my place has a gas leak, who knows. But I want to hang on this feeling.

I mean, I ate pizza last night and woke up with my weight slightly down. I want a life like this, I want to drink hard cider with my friends and not be terrified of every outing that involves food. I want to enjoy an anniversary dinner because it is the celebration of a wonderful loving relationship, rather than feel resentment that I have to eat at it. I want recovery feelings but not recovery weight.

I want both. I want that to be possible. I know it probably isn't but for now I'll keep a tight grasp on these feelings of mine and hope that they stick around.

stay strong, hold on through the holiday season
xxblake

Nov 5, 2015

Free Fallin'

140.9


This is happening so fast.

Once I tip into the 130s the game changes.
Into the 120s - Danger zone.

I'm totally out of it and I think I may be coming down with something, I forgot what happens to my immune system when I really restrict. Oh well, dumping on the vitamins for now.

I'm starting to worry about a doctors appointment I have coming up Dec 2nd. I can not have my weight be even what it is now, much less whatever it is a month from now. But faking 20 pounds for a weigh-in? That's crazy talk. Or technically I could avoid it all together, they don't know about my ED history. Maybe I could just refuse to weigh.

Either way, just about to my goal for the start of triathlon season next year. This was supposed to be reached in March. At this rate I won't be able to race.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since my relapse. I wonder what the 3 month total will be?

Depends on how today goes I guess.


xxblake

Nov 2, 2015

Keep Calm!

@Keepcalm
Girl, I miss you!

I still have the same old email, (also on the sidebar), I lost most of my old emails though so I don't have yours anymore... :( Please please please shoot me a message!

Halloween weekend was quite the mess for me, everyone was drinking and eating and I got drunk and slipped. This is why I don't drink anymore. I can't trust myself. But the scale only crept up about half a pound so I'm assuming once the salt bloat goes away that it'll be back to where I was. Plus I have a new goal in sight.

140.0 (By holiday), but maybe, just maybe, it could be by thanksgiving? I had my appointment with the psych for med management on the 23rd, so I need to make some progress before then. I'm for decreasing some anxiety but not for losing my edge. I've already made a list of anti-anxiety meds associated with weight gain and loss.

Just have to be smarter than my body in the time being.

140.0 140.0 140.0

xxblake

Oct 28, 2015

Success within the mirror.

So here's the thing. I was having all of these negative feelings this morning. And I wrote this blog post, Stressing over where my head is at right now, etc. and I realized, I'm really afraid of having a diagnosis. Which is weird, because for the longest time that was exactly what I wanted, like a validation of some sort… Like congrats you're sick enough to deserve help. But now I'm afraid of how it will affect my life in the future.  My health insurance, future doctor visits, etc.

I'm also afraid of what it would be. Because I don't want a diagnosis that also makes me feel like a failure.

Part of me worries that I won't be able to deal with any of this without having a diagnosis. That fixing it requires accepting it and dealing with it. But I worry about what that will take from school.

I also really wish I could see my therapist 2x per week. But that isn't part of the treatment plan and I don't think I'd be able to increase it without divulging more than I feel ready to share at the moment. Especially because I'm afraid this would lead to more with the psych he wants me to talk to. The way that meeting the med prescriber goes, is they have a consult with me and then they either deem that they can check in with me on the phone once in a while and I can just see my current therapist, or they require that I meet with them semi-regularly to follow-up in addition to seeing my therapist, and I like the current guy and I don't really want to mess that up, I like talking to him, it's as comfortable as it can be I think and I'm afraid of talking to someone else.


But then I got home from school and stepped on the scale.

144.2lbs

Now I don't even care. I'm so fucking elated right now that I really just don't care.

I wasn't able to fast like I wanted to the last couple of days but I did get away with only one meal and a couple of snacks each day on Su/M/T and today I've had a few grapes and a 140kcal fiber/protein bar.

I know dinner is on the menu tonight. Eli says 'we should talk'.

I already know why. He watched me stare at the snack drawer reading labels for 5 minutes today and finally snapped "It's okay, just take one!"

I know what this conversation is about and I know it isn't going to go very well. I'm too happy about today's numbers. 

I also know he finds me more attractive now than the twenty pounds more that I weighed in August.

stay strong
xxblake

Oct 22, 2015

Midterm Exams...

Totally overwhelming... I've alternated between bingeing and restricting so much I can't even handle life haha.

There was this girl with an ED that came into my clinic shift this last week. She's been IP a couple of times and IOP a couple more. It makes me feel like a failure. I get that this is the nature of this disorder, the competitiveness... But I hate that I've never been sick enough for that.

I want to fast. SO badly. Next week for a couple of days I think. Maybe sunday, monday, and half of tuesday. I'll include juice and maybe a protein shake. But keep it under 300kcal, 500kcal, and 200kcal respectively. So fasting, but not so much.

I want to do more than that. Maybe also on Thursday... I just have to be careful because we're going to go out on Friday and Saturday night for halloween and I want to not look totally hideous in my dress because I'm going to be the devil in this tight little dress. =/ But I also know that if I eat nothing then I'll be a shitty mess when we go out.

I see my psychologist again on Tuesday, and he wants me to see a psychiatrist at the clinic to get on anti-anxiety medication. Does anyone have experience with those? Did it make you gain?

3-5 pounds by next weekend. We can do this.

xxblake

Oct 16, 2015

Dinner out...

Fast was successful yesterday, (mostly) had half an apple and some broth last night but still went to bed hungry. I've had fruit today and some mini rice cakes (because I'm weak). Dinner out is looming. I told Eli last night that maybe we shouldn't go. But I'm afraid to not go. If I back out now, he'll want to talk about why.

I don't want to talk about why. I just want to shrink. Down another couple of pounds. I think I'm going to stay on the pills I'm on for another week (apparently it makes you bloat a bunch). Then see what I look like and see if I drop any weight after I come off of it. It has a half life of 36hrs so it takes about 2 weeks to get out of my system fully.

I wish I felt thinner. I'm watching the scale change but I don't feel like I'm changing.

Good luck this weekend lovelies
xxblake

Oct 15, 2015

Here's a pic... ugh.



Fasting has actually been going pretty well... I haven't craved carbs like this in a while though. I thought I'd actually post a picture of where I'm at right now because I don't know that I've ever done that before. It won't be my face for obvious reasons but I think I'll be more accountable if I realize other people have seen how awful I look...

I'm bloated as shit and I have that nasty belly pooch but it is significantly better than it was just in July. I'm getting back that familiar bridge from my hip bones. I forgot how I had missed that. Lets see how much progress I can make before Halloween... I may have already hit my GW for that date but what fun it would be to get to my holiday GW by the time I have to get dressed up to go out!
Why is it that my boobs are always first to go?

xxblake
stay strong lovelies

Fasting today...

Because why not? Eli isn't here all day today and my schedule doesn't overlap as much with my friend from school.

No one will notice. No one would even care.

I may have my coffee this morning, but other than that a little bit of juice diluted with water, tea, and if I'm just jonesing for food I'll have some broth (5kcal per cup). Then adderall to keep me focused through the day. I'm almost giddy about the whole idea. I had forgotten about how much I missed this control.

If all goes well and everything is avoidable, I may continue on into tomorrow (until we go out for dinner. Dee we're supposed to be on this meal program with a 'cheat meal' on Friday. So it isn't just going out for dinner, it's finding the crappiest food that tastes the absolute best and gorging ourselves on it for dinner Friday. Shit. The benefit is we aren't supposed to bring leftovers home. So whatever I don't finish we leave at the restaurant.

I've already got a couple of rules for it, no cheese, no deep fried (they make my stomach hurt).
The options left after that are already a lot better.

Well, anyway. Off to put my nose to the grindstone, exam this afternoon. Fasting today, fasting half of tomorrow? Should be a floaty time.

xxblake

Oct 8, 2015

New Drug?

I've started on a new weight loss drug... I know that it has been considered very dangerous by some but I don't really care at this point. My weight can't keep staying the same. I'm being careful with it, taking all the necessary supplements and drinking plenty of water.

If Eli finds out, game over.

It just makes me so warm. This still shouldn't be as bad as using it in the summertime was. It also makes me super out of it, but then I have adderall to pick me back up...  Just get rid of this plateau, because more exercise and less food doesn't seem to be doing it. If I could just lose like 5 or 10 pounds for right now I'd be happy.

Oh who am I kidding, no I wouldn't be.

xxblake


Oct 5, 2015

Happy Monday I Guess...


I had another nightmare last night. This time Eli didn't leave me, this time I died. But I was still there, and I kept trying to tell everyone that even though my heart had stopped that I was there and I was fine and everything would be okay.



But no one could see me. Even though they would talk right to me. Everyone said that they couldn't see me. So I guess I really was dead? Maybe it was 'my spirit' or whatever. But I called the doctor that had removed my heart and he could hear me too. But he told me that sometimes this happened. That people just had trouble letting go when it was time and that I needed just to accept that it was the end for me and I needed to leave everyone alone… I started to fade then, so I went to find Eli. But he could see me, and hear me. It was like nothing had changed. Only my heart was no longer beating. But he held me, and it was wonderful. But I started to fade away anyway...

Then I woke up sobbing, and laid with him until I was going to be late for school.
My head is all fucked up again.

xxblake

Sep 24, 2015

Not losing... Not gaining. Just desperation.

Wtf. I'm trying this workout program and meal plan… It is supposed to glean some really great results but there is so much food. There hasn't been a single day this week that I could eat everything on the meal plan.

I also saw a psych yesterday. I'm not totally sold on the whole idea but I have so much anxiety… I'm not talking to him about any Ana stuff. This is just about life stuff and school. But talking about feelings is better than eating them. So I'll keep seeing him once a week or so. Apparently I have adjustment disorder. Which I think is a kind way to say I am a complete control freak that cant handle changes I don't have complete power over... Shocker.

The second week of school and I haven't lost any more weight. But it has at least stayed constant at 149.

I still have at least 15 pounds to go though.

5 more by the end of October.

This has to happen. I'm so desperate

xxblake

Sep 21, 2015

Fat Fuck.

This weekend was terrible. Eli and I had to go to a dinner with this event crew that I volunteer with. There was so much food that couldn't be avoided and once I started I couldn't fucking stop. Today hasn't been much better. I worked out for a while but I've been hoovering food down. I am so frustrated with myself. I just don't know what to do.

I need to stay out of the house and away from the food. I just can't really do that because I feel so awful for leaving my dog at home all day without activity but I get home and I'm so tired that I can't do anything. I've still gotten my workouts in but my activity is just low outside of that.

My stomach hurts so bad from all the fucking food.

stay stronger than me
xxblake

Sep 18, 2015

15 pounds down...

I'm getting so high off this feeling. I had forgotten what it was like to lose like this.

I'm starting to see bones again. Just a little. But I am.

Problem: Eli comes home for the weekend tonight. The goal is just to not gain.
No more than 2 drinks per night and only if I've already worked out.
I also have a friend coming to visit probably, he's a sweetheart and knows about my Adderall use previously, as he had some addiction issues and I talked to him at the time so that I could hear from someone that understood what it was like to get off an addictive substance.

My real concern is that he'll notice that I'm not normal. It's hard to bounce meals off of people when they are both in the house with you. When I go to school, I ate before I came. When I get home, I ate at school. The thing is, I am still eating. Just not a lot.

Fuck the doctors who wouldn't help me because my weight was normal. I'll show them.

I know the weight loss is going to slow down soon. That scares me, that's when the real games begin. My own sicker version of the hunger games.

Can't worry about it if I'm working out. Off to the gym.

Have a good day/weekend lovelies, I'll likely be back when Eli goes back to work.

xxblake

Sep 17, 2015

And no one notices.

I've slipped. It's magical.
 I'm down 13 pounds.

I've been better about the Adderall than I thought I would be. I'm only using it when I really need it. Which is good. Because Eli would definitely notice. Low doses really have an effect now and I talk a mile a minute.

Year 2 has started at school. There is so much work already and I'm just halfway through the first week. I haven't even been to all of my classes yet. But I can do this, I can focus and I want this. Badly.

I slipped up on my and Eli's trip to visit family last month. He saw a playlist on my phone that he shouldn't have. But I just wrote it off and he made me delete it. I did, but I have a new, better one now. I managed to hide the Adderall use from him on the trip and God, it really helped me control my eating. But I feel guilty about it.

He said the other night that he was so proud of me for stopping the Adderall use. That he knew that it was really hard and he was so glad I did it. I couldn't even say anything.
It was heartbreaking
Especially because I know he is going to find out eventually. It isn't the type of thing I can hide well once the dose increases. So I'm motivated to at least not use it everyday. I'm off it completely on the weekends when he and I spend all day together and I'm going to only try to use it on my long class days.

I know that ana has a tendency to come between relationships. But I hope that someday he can forgive me for this. Really, that's why I can do this. Because in the back of my head I know he will always forgive me. He will always be there for me. This is just a minor setback. I'm just hoping that I can get to my GW and then discontinue the use slowly. Maybe without him ever noticing. Hopefully.

I really love this man. I just can't believe he loves me too. It seems too improbable.

xxblake

Aug 13, 2015

Adderall... I'm bAck

I emailed my doctor today.
I thought I could do it without the adderall, I thought I could handle school, life, and everything else.

But I can't, well. I can. But I can't get skinny doing it too.

This way I can. This is the focus that I need. No more struggling to do an assignment I can do on adderall in 2 hours, what would normally take me 8...

I can't wait for that fix. I hate myself a little bit for this. I worked so hard to stop this. To get away from this and feel like myself again. But it isn't actually worth it to me anymore.


xxblake

Aug 12, 2015

Thigh Gap

 A friend on facebook posted a long rant about how she wanted one.

I've had one. I want it back.

After this IRONMAN I had actually been feeling pretty empowered. I felt really good about what I had accomplished and what I was still capable of doing...

TRIGGER.

Insert her facebook rant. She's never had a thigh gap that cost her. I have. She was just thinner at the time and now she overeats. I worked so hard for mine, I gave up so much. Friends, Grades, my Health. Now I have all of those things and I found out yesterday that I received a 1k scholarship. 

But one facebook post from a girl I don't even respect, invalidates all of that. Because I don't have a thigh gap. But I could get one faster than her.

I'm bouncing between what will facilitate doing another ironman and what will get me skinny fastest.

With a trip to cali starting saturday to see Eli's brother (and his wife), whom happens to just be a wisp of a person that makes me feel like an absolute balloon, the timing really couldn't be worse.

Here come the bad decisions.

xxblake

IRONMAN

I am an IRONMAN!

3.8km Swim, 180km Bike, 42.2km Run.
I have never finished something so difficult in my life.

I am proud of myself, and I'm scared too.

I know that training for this thing has kept me eating normally, because of needing energy to train and without that I don't feel the same control.

I've started training for another one rather than face the fact that I can't eat right if I stop training.

I've managed to convince Eli that another one might actually be a good idea. Only this one is in September... So it's really soon, and it's known to be one of the hardest in north america.

Talk about a lapse in judgement.

stay strong
xxblake

Jul 5, 2015

Weight Loss Challenge

I've joined one. It cost me 30 dollars, I have to lose 4% of my body weight by my birthday on Aug 3rd or I lose the 30 dollars. If I lose the 4% I will win more money.

If that isn't motivation, what is?

xxblake
stay skinny bitches

Jun 21, 2015

Jun 5, 2015

IV Iron

IV iron 1-2x per week. This is my last one for a bit. The sick part of my wonders that if I'm getting iron injected I don't really need to worry about getting it in my food do I? and if it drops again, they'll just put me back on IV no questions asked.

No one would know.

I just have to keep it together through the Ironman in Canada at the end of July. I can't sink until after that race. I've worked way too hard for this just to get sick and not be able to do it.

I've just got to shut the voice out for a little bit longer...


stay strong
xxblake

Jun 4, 2015

On fasting...

I miss it. So. Much.

I miss feeling weightless and pure. Instead here I am eating all the time. Even while I exercise. In the name of recovery, in the name of fueling. I'm tired of having to eat all the time. I'm not gaining weight. I'm not losing weight. In all reality I know this is the most stable my weight has been in almost a decade.

Wow.

To measure parts of my life in decades. When only a couple of years ago I measured by hours that were barely creeping by. Calories that added up way too fast.

Here I am planning a wedding with the man I love.

In medical school.

Training for an endurance event I never thought I'd be capable of.

But I'm sinking.
I'm beginning to have those thoughts, the trading thoughts. The voice of ana. The bargaining.
"Well... I'd rather not be able to run as far if I could be thin"

"I wouldn't mind not being able to do triathlons if I looked like those other girls"

"I would give up running if my thighs didn't touch"

Here is the thing though... I've had all of those things, I've looked like the other girls, I was really, really thin, and my thighs were nowhere near touching. And I had to give up all of those things, I couldn't run at all. I could barely walk to class. Doing a triathlon never would have been an option.

So here I am. So much conflict.

stay strong lovelies
xxblake

Jun 1, 2015

If wishes were fishes...

I used to wish to be thin...
Thin, beautiful and frail.
No. Matter. What.
I would be perfect.

I wished and I wished, but no one seemed to hear me.

Even when I became so small...

Still empty inside. Sometimes I wished for the pain to end. For the hunger to kill me from the inside out.

Now I wish for life, for happiness and peace.

I want to accept my curves and flaws just as they are. 
I want to be healthy as long as I live. And I want to thank God that no one listed to my first wish.


But I can't.

I'm confused and it confuses me.

stay strong. and keep on keeping on. whatever it is you're keeping-on on.
xxxblake

May 28, 2015

Survival

There comes a moment where you realize you aren't really living. You're simply surviving. Sun-up to Sun-down you pass the time. Do what is expected of you. Clean up after yourself, try not to screw up anything too badly. Stuck in a sort of limbo-land.

Nothing in my life is bad really. Nothing in my life is fantastic. I have health issues I'm beginning to drown in and no doctor can seem to find the root cause of the things that have started to spring up. All I can think of is, does this have something to do with Ana? Is she somehow responsible yet again for things in my life falling apart. I know this isn't likely the root of the current situation. But is my history somehow responsible? Could starving myself mess up my hormones, and my blood, this badly, so far after the fact?

I'm on IV iron 2x per week. I can't walk up stairs without getting dizzy, I have one of the rarest blood deficiencies in the world at levels indicating I recently acquired it (HOW?!), I either have poly-cystic ovaries or adult-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (the name of which, disagrees with itself). Nothing makes sense, no one knows what is going on. I am at a total loss.

Just. What?

May 17, 2015

Stitches

...Now I need someone to breathe me back to life Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on ...You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking, falling onto my knees... Just like a moth drawn to a flame Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain Your bitter heart cold to a touch Now I'm gonna reap what I sow I'm left seeing red on my own Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on... Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head Needle and a thread, gonna. wind. up. dead.

-Shawn Mendes, Stitches

Funny, the way a song is talking about whatever we decide it to be?
xxblake

May 15, 2015

Thoughts on Music


You know how when you hear an older song, you can remember exactly what you were doing when you heard that song?

Maybe it wasn’t the first time you heard the song, maybe it wasn’t even that special of a day. But you can remember it like you’re back in that moment when you hear the song again. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why music is so memorable, why we can remember lyrics over definitions, tunes over research articles.
I’m not a professional, but my theory is pretty simple. My theory is that we can remember music because it resonates so deeply within us that it is impossible to ignore.


Whenever I hear painted black by Vanessa Carlton, I think of a book I was reading in middle school when I listened to that song over and over.

When ever I hear Courage, by Superchick, Paperbag by Fiona Apple, or Me and Mia by Ted Leo...

I begin to sink.

xxblake

Hip Bones.

I'm starting to see them again.
tumblr img
I didn't realize how relieved I was going to feel.

Be back soon, xxblake

Mar 15, 2015

15K Today

I ran 15 kilometers today, it was a 'fun run' St. Patrick's day race with a friend. I feel like my whole body is falling apart. The whole thing hurt... Only 9 miles. In october I ran a marathon with a smile on my face and today I could hardly move the 9.

This. Sucks.
But I must keep on, keeping on. If I suck it up now, I won't have to suck it in later.

You are going to want to quit.
Don't.

xxblake

Mar 2, 2015

Depressed?

"Gradually, and then suddenly"
-Ernest Hemingway

That's how this has been. Little things piling up and dampening my spirit, then suddenly I am crying every day and I can hardly pull myself out of bed.

Here I am, not hungry, not wanting to exercise, crying at happy moments and sad moments on TV. I thought I was just having a hard time, but then suddenly it all clicked. This is what it means to be depressed isn't it?

There is still a light at the end of my tunnel, it just has begun to feel like the tunnel is unbearably long and it's hard to imagine making it to the other side. It isn't like I think I won't make it, quite the opposite in fact, I know I will. But in what shape? Will I even be the same person at the other side? Or will this sadness have set in and aged me incomparably.

I've admitted to Eli that I'm having a hard time, but I don't think he fully grasps what that means to me.

I have stopped cooking for him,
I have cut my exercise in half, even the stuff I have always enjoyed.
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings
I can't wait to go to bed at night.
Cleaning feels like too much. Cleaning has always been the stress relief.

So here I am. Not sinking, not floating. Just stagnant.

xxblake

Jan 27, 2015

Happy?

Oh life, busy busy.

I'm relatively happy. I mean, I'm in a good place overall. But there is that little nagging voice in my head that keeps creeping back whispering 'fat' over and over, and truthfully I know I am. There is no way around it, I can't just ignore it no matter how much I'd like to. I watch all of my friends with their insane metabolisms do half the work I do and eat twice as much crap and all I do is stay the same while they just shrink  in front of me.

It is a lot harder to be healthy when healthy doesn't get me closer to what I want.

stay strong everyone
xxblake

Jan 3, 2015

2015, so it is...

New Years Resolutions:

-Move to downtown to shorten my commute to medical school
-Finish Ironman Whistler at the end of July
-Lose weight...As always
-Start a regular sleep schedule
-Avoid gluten as per doctors orders
-Stick to my training plan, like really stick to it.
-Stop cussing, or at least really trim it down.
-Drink no more than once per week

Back to school on monday, nose to the grindstone.

I'm looking forward to it and hating it.

I'm exhausted, I feel like I never actually got to rest over this winter break and now it's over and I don't have the time anymore.

Here we go again, same thing, different year.

2015.

xxblake