Here's where I'm at.

Ugh.
So here it goes.

I've gained weight. I'm 155 lbs, again. I swore I'd never see this weight again...
I swore.

It is different this time though and I know that, I'm fit.

I am currently 120lbs of bone and muscle. 35lbs of fat. 23% body fat.

I am healthy?

See this is a complicated topic to me and to a lot of people obviously, if it weren't there would not be huge media controversy over body image and 'ideals'.

For the first time since this thing, this self hatred, this creeping doubt, this creative self-destruction crept into my life I am healthy.

I fucking hate it.

I also really love it. This change has crept into my life slowly, almost as slowly as this sickness crept in, in the first place. I have moments where I am so proud of myself and how I've changed that I could cry.

Then I have moments, days even, where I really struggle to be okay. Days like today.Where I feel like crap.

So I ask myself, why keep this blog, what is the point? I just keep coming back and I don't know if it is healthy. I feel like I am never going to stop this mental struggle. I suppose that is my main problem; my body is healthy and fit and capable. My mind is not.

I guess I never wrote it on this blog but I've been in some sort of recovery for a while now. It sure is a bumpy road. I suppose I hesitate to use the word 'recovery' because like so many of us I have never felt 'sick' enough to need recovery.

I never felt like I deserved to not hate myself, to get better, because I had never gotten 'sick' enough. I realize now how sick that is. That just for thinking that, I was sick enough to need help without ever losing a pound.

Over the next weeks or months this blog is going to undergo some changes, part of me wants to delete all the old posts but I believe that they are part of the struggle.

I want to really give this recovery thing a 'go'. I have tried just about everything else, I've been obese and anorexic and a whole bunch of things in between. Now I'm healthy, but I want to try happy.

Happy isn't something I've tried before.

I also wanted to say I'm sorry to those of you that follow, because I have really been all over the place with these blog posts (frequency, content, whatever). I also apologize because this blog is likely not going to become what you came here for originally. But if this blog doesn't change with me, then it isn't really my blog. So I hope I don't lose any of you for the change in content that is upcoming. I just want this blog to have a  bigger part in my life than it does right now and if it is going to-it can't just be something I write for on my bad days.

Here's to the future, may it be happy and healthy.

xxblake
stay strong, in all you do