Jan 9, 2014

Jumbled Thoughts...

I can’t cope right now. I keep telling myself that I’m better and that I don’t need this disorder ruling my life. But I’m not. I’m not better, and I do need it. The control I have when I sink is just too… comforting…

I just feel too good with it. Except I feel horrible, it’s all so mixed up. I’m so messed up

"It’s about time I realized,
That what I put in my mouth
Won’t change the words that come out of it,
That the appearance of rib bones will not make me laugh any louder
Or any more,
That collarbones
And thigh gaps
And cheek bones
And empty stomachs
Will not bring me any closer to success
Or even love,
That a piece of cake
Should not have the power
To make me despise myself,
And that
High grades
Crazy nights
Hard-earnt wages
A smile
Should give more pride,
More satisfaction,
Than starving myself ever should,
Or will.
That there is no secret key to finding joy,
Other than realizing
That time is not worth the wasting,
On living a half life."

I know that this is true, I know I should believe it whole-heartedly. But the way I feel when I’m thin is close to impossible to pass up.
       -I want to feel hungry again.
I just don’t want this to destroy my relationship.

     this relationship, it’s really the best thing to ever happen to me.


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