Dec 9, 2013

Almost a year...

I can't believe it's been that long. I remember a time I couldn't go more than a couple of days without feeling like I had to post something.  
A lot has changed in the last year, The nightmares are gone for the most part, just the occasional one now. Eli and I are engaged. I've only got two terms of college left. I work at a rehab center for teenagers. My weight is up. My head is clearer. Sometimes. 
Only sometimes. 
I want to promise Eli that I have it all together now. But my thought have turned to wedding dresses since he proposed back in July; how I'd look in a wedding dress right now.  
I declared a degree in nutrition last year, and I've learned I'm actually really good at that kind of stuff. I've learned so much about health and food and weight loss, and metabolisms. It definitely has changed my perspective a little bit. I mean, my knowledge has changed but my head is still pretty messed up. It has helped me realize how just refusing to eat made everything harder on myself. I just slowed my body down. And really, I knew that. I mean we all know we aren't functional when we don't eat for a while. At first, you're strong and light and willful... But after a while, we're just tired. There's no way around it, I used to believe there was, more caffeine, more thinspo, more self-hate, more will. But I've been so tired for so long now, years really. I have been content with running myself into the ground in search of perfect.  The wrong kind of perfect. 
I'm not saying that my version of perfect doesn't still include a fairy-thin picture of myself. But for me perfect includes productivity as well and in truth I can't be that when I'm starving- Adderall only works for so long before I'm just burnt. I still want to be so so skinny. But I know that I have to get there differently now, I know it still won't be healthily motivated but in its own right it will be better, brighter, even. 
I started this post because I wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone of where this blog is going. I haven't been sure, but I thought sitting down and writing it out would give me clarity. It hasn't really. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. My fight with this isn't over, it's almost just been on hold I think. I wish I could offer more, but in a weird way I like that this thing doesn't have such a firm grip on me. I'm not going to be able to say where I take this blog for sure. But what I can say is: 
This blog isn't going away, 
I'm not going away, 
I'm going to try to post more often
I'm going to lose weight
I'm going to eat better (eating healthier)
I'm going to make it stick this time. 
I know you will too. 

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