I came so close to opening up to a friend of mine last night. He seemed like he genuinely cared. Brought up a couple of things about my weight, mentioned that he really liked me when I looked healthy freshman year of uni. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to talk to him.
The good news is,
I convinced myself that if right now felt good. So would another time. I'm glad I did. Because by the end of the night he showed me what an immature boy he still is. I can tell he still likes me too. But he came very close to crossing the line with me and that just pissed me off. He knows I have a boyfriend, and he said he respects that even though it bums him out. But there is just something about the way he acted last night...
It was subtle, but it wasn't right and I didn't like it.
Felt like I was being hit on.
And that makes my skin crawl.
I don't know what it is about the possibility of being attractive to someone that freaks me out... I mean, Eli thinks I'm attractive. I KNOW that (I don't know why, but...) It just makes me sick, and nervous.
Eli actually asks if he can take my shirt off when we have sex. He asks if I'd be too cold without it, I nearly always say yes but we both know it's not about the temperature. I know its pathetic, my boyfriend asks to take my shirt off like he's asking someone to 'please pass the butter'. I mean, this is sex for chrissake!
I feel like pounding my head against a wall. I won't though, no time for that.
I'm just frustrated with life and myself, and I'm scared of the future even though it will all work out.
I'm scared of everything, because that's who I am, and who I'll always be.