It's pathetic, how pathetic I am.
fat and disgusting yet i just keep eating. and thinking about food. I don't need it, I don't want it.
i just keep thinking, i could be so small right now... if i'd only had some willpower then...
but instead, i'm here, like a fucking balloon. but with a worried boyfriend, my god. he's really worried. and now i have this doctor on me. all because of a stupid cough. i'm kind of confused on what to do. i know i need to make a follow up. but i don't want to. i'm afraid.
blood tests were done when i went to the doctors to find out if i had the flu(i didn't) but what the returned with analysis was really low iron levels (.1 into the normal range, not officially anemic). So the doc decides to analyze my blood stores, because she's concerned. women are recommended to be around 50, my value was 8.3
i'm afraid of what 8.3 means to me
and to my body. probably reason to be afraid, i mean it causes fatigue, blah blah. which helps explain stuff, despite my lack of sleep.
i'm frustrated and lonely. and Eli is worried, but i just don't care. about much of anything, talking to anyone. hanging out with people. i went out with chiara last night. it took me over an hour of holding my drink to drink it. because it had calories. and i hadn't had any yet. jesus. once i finally did, i hung out with her and we really had fun. i haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time. we drunk called old friends. walked around for an hour. i ate a banana when i got home. which was somehow disappointing. but it's the only solid thing i've had in two days.
i don't feel anything.
i don't feel lighter.thinner.stronger.
i always feel something by now, and i'm looking for that familiar high, not the exhaustion i have, not the weakness.
but theres nothing but weakness. i want to cave. i want an excuse. but i refuse to let myself go searching for one. no matter how tempting.
has anyone ever done that? found someone you know you'll have to eat with. just for that momentary relief. the 'well i HAVE to eat, otherwise they'll be suspicious'. and then for a moment, it's not your fault, and it's not so awful that you went searching for that situation, just relief that you can tell ana 'hey, i tried. but i had to eat'
i want to do that. but my head won't let me. i know better. better than to break.