Oct 31, 2011

I want.


I looked away
                                                                 Then I look back at you
You try to say 
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day

I pray that we make it through
                                                                Make it through the fall 
                                                                Make it through it all

I feel like I'm on the brink. I'm sleeping more, thank god. I didn't eat until late friday night. then again on saturday and on sunday (drinking and birthday). There are these moments where I feel like I'm floating on top of the world. Then others, like these. Where I feel I've plummeted to nothingness. Two midterms today. One tomorrow, homework. Sorority. I'm so terrified I won't make grades. Honestly my biggest fear at the moment. Not my weight. My grades. But this thing in my head. It's making it impossible to focus on anything but how I'm not exercising. How I'm eating shit food. How I hate how I feel. I want to get it together. I want it to be easy, school, not starving. I want Chiara to stop acting strangely, I want to not be so broke. I want to be thin. I want, I want...

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I don't want to talk about it
                                            And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you                                           .
                           I don't want to talk about it...
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

I want summer back. I want things to stop feeling like they are sliding through my fingers. I want to have time. Maybe just one extra day of weekend per week. Just so I could actually relax or exercise without giving something else up.

I want to stop being so fucked up.

i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul

I want to not worry the person I care about more than anyone else in the world. 
i want to be in complete control
I want to stop pretending I don't care so hard I start to believe myself.
i would give up anything
I want to excel at everything again.
I want to be better than me.
for just a taste of the perfect i dream about
I want to stop hiding the mess that I am.
i want the perfect facade, a flawless mask

Things change, but that doesn't mean they get better.

What I've Felt
What I've Known
Never Shined Through in What I've Shown
Never Be, Never See
Never Free, Never Me.


Oct 28, 2011

willpower & reasoning

It's pathetic, how pathetic I am.

fat and disgusting yet i just keep eating. and thinking about food. I don't need it, I don't want it.

i just keep thinking, i could be so small right now... if i'd only had some willpower then...

but instead, i'm here, like a fucking balloon. but with a worried boyfriend, my god. he's really worried. and now i have this doctor on me. all because of a stupid cough. i'm kind of confused on what to do. i know i need to make a follow up. but i don't want to. i'm afraid.

blood tests were done when i went to the doctors to find out if i had the flu(i didn't) but what the returned with analysis was really low iron levels (.1 into the normal range, not officially anemic). So the doc decides to analyze my blood stores, because she's concerned. women are recommended to be around 50, my value was 8.3

i'm afraid of what 8.3 means to me

and to my body. probably reason to be afraid, i mean it causes fatigue, blah blah. which helps explain stuff, despite my lack of sleep.

i'm frustrated and lonely. and Eli is worried, but i just don't care. about much of anything, talking to anyone. hanging out with people. i went out with chiara last night. it took me over an hour of holding my drink to drink it. because it had calories. and i hadn't had any yet. jesus. once i finally did, i hung out with her and we really had fun. i haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time. we drunk called old friends. walked around for an hour. i ate a banana when i got home. which was somehow disappointing. but it's the only solid thing i've had in two days.

i don't feel anything.
i don't feel lighter.thinner.stronger.

i always feel something by now, and i'm looking for that familiar high, not the exhaustion i have, not the weakness.

but theres nothing but weakness. i want to cave. i want an excuse. but i refuse to let myself go searching for one. no matter how tempting.

has anyone ever done that? found someone you know you'll have to eat with. just for that momentary relief. the 'well i HAVE to eat, otherwise they'll be suspicious'. and then for a moment, it's not your fault, and it's not so awful that you went searching for that situation, just relief that you can tell ana 'hey, i tried. but i had to eat'

i want to do that. but my head won't let me. i know better. better than to break.


Oct 25, 2011


Sometimes you just need sleep to function. That seems to be the one thing I'm missing. Lack of sleep increases your appetite by a bunch. And all I have is a lack of sleep. I want to eat all the time. My weight is stable, around 137 pounds. I can't complain about it, except for the fact that it could be so much better.

I could be thinner, lighter, better.

But my lack of will, and lack of sleep are making it impossible. I just don't know what to do.

lovelies, help me.
I don't know where my willpower went.


Oct 2, 2011

Recruitment week is here...

Sorority recruitment...

It's weird to think I'm a person that actually made it to the other side, instead of just attempting to get in. Here I am, recruiting others. Telling them to 'join the Greek Life Family'

I'm stress eating today. Well, I have been... I'm going to the gym tonight. I am going to try to be there until midnight. But I don't know if it will be as easy as that. I'm so tired already. I can feel this whole thing weighing on me. Things feel complicated. But instead of avoiding food. I'm attempting to find solace in it. 

this is not okay.

I don't like how I feel but for some reason I can't stop. I don't intend to eat much this week. I figure I can be down to 133 or 132 by Saturday (The day my Sorority gets new members = lots of pictures = :{  )

Even in eating too much today and yesterday, it shouldn't be too hard to pretty much avoid all but maybe one meal per day until Saturday.

I need my weight to be down. I REALLY. Need it to be down.

No reason it can't be. No reason at all. I'm getting there. Slow and sure.