Sep 30, 2011

When You're Broken

I apologize in advance... I'm just so scattered.

Months and Years, time and talk. Still though, I'm followed by this demon. I just can't escape.

My dark passenger, I've begun to think I enjoy the show Dexter as much as I do because I see the same darkness in his character. Just portrayed differently.

Everything is just as planned, everything just how i need them. How I saw them in my head. I'm getting thinner, running faster, spinning... spinning. More involved within my sorority. But I'm broken.

I'm damaged.

I saw an old friend, J today. She and I talked about horses, well she talked. I listened. It made me realize how much I missed my own horses. I wish I could go back in time, and just spend a little bit more time with them. Maybe not focused on school so much. Just taken that extra time. Just a little bit.

I'll never be the same without horses, they were so much a part of me.

And then, of all things. To see Dick tonight, after all this time. The icing on my fucking cake.

I don't know why seeing him hit me so hard. I don't like him as a person, he wasn't even a great friend. He always made me feel awful about myself, 
     That may be all this is.
So why do I feel so rejected? We didn't even talk.

Like I still have to impress him, gain his approval. Of what?

Regardless, I feel so godawful. I'm not okay.
But I know tomorrow will roll around, like nothing has happened. The world will just keep spinning around me. I'll smile, pretend the world is flowers and cotton candy. I'll go about everything just as a should. Participate in my never-ending act.

But I'm broken. In a million little pieces.
And worse yet.

Knowing I have to pick up all those stupid little pieces. On my own. When I could really use the help.

But I won't be weak. I'm not going to compromise my facade for support. When It's something I know I can power through.

It will just take some determination.
Not Something I Lack
But something I'm very tired of.

I'm sick of trying so hard, and getting so little.

I'm trying, but I can't hold on anymore. I think.
I'm just so broken.
But I hear there's Beauty in the Breaking...

I know I need to believe in myself. I just don't have it. The will. The magic.
No fairy dust can fix this. I'm sure though, Chiara will eventually ask if I'm okay, and I'll lie.
-Like I Should

No one will know what I'm holding back. They can't. A burden too heavy to carry.

It's harder to see pain through a mask. I'll do this. I'll paint it on. A concrete angel. Stone cold emotion. What emotion? 


I'll be an angel for everyone. Everyone but me that is. For me...

 I'll be concrete.

CW 134.8

Sep 26, 2011

Till' I Collapse.

First day of school today...

I thought I'd find myself more prepared than this.
But my morning has consisted of breakfast with chiara (50 cal expresso/ sugar free vanilla syrup) and currently I'm trying to work on a liter of blueberry pomegranate flavored sparkling water (0). 
It would be easier... but i'm



 But I can do this. Because, sometimes,
'you're tired, you feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.'

'Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth. Till the smoke clears out and my high burns out I'ma rip this shit till my bones collapse.'

I am going to persevere, I will not give up. I will not give in.
 ' Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them'

 I will stay on top of things. I will not let my body get the better of me. I will show it, I will show everyone, my willpower. I will show an immense, And previously unimaginable sense of determination.
I have goals that WILL be accomplished. Putting it off only makes me miserable. And on some level, I deserve to be happy.
 I will earn my happiness.

 Enough is enough...

 Till' I collapse.
 Till' you do too. 

Sep 25, 2011

I can almost see it...

That dream I'm dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head, saying you'll never reach it.

I'm feeling pretty on top of things. I mean, I ate a whole bunch of things I didn't want to eat today, but my friend needed me to be with her... I know that.

Doesn't make me feel any better about it. But that same friend and I are going for a run in the morning, and then I go to the gym. And much later, I pick Chiara up from the airport with Eli.
I should be so much thinner right now, but even with no control over what I've been eating recently, I'm still sitting at a whopping 140 lbs. Horrible I know. I honestly am surprised it isn't worse. I can not wait for school to start, so I can kick myself into gear. It'll be easier, having to prioritize so seriously... I know it will be good for me though. Thin thin thin. I can almost see it.

This dream,

My god. I'm dreaming. I want it so bad, and I dream so vividly about being beautiful. Yet, it always seems just slightly out of my reach. Always slightly.

I know that won't last forever. I will be under 135 pounds by Halloween. Not a goal really, just a fact. I know it is going to happen. No promises of "if I eat healthier" "if I make it to the gym". I'm going to continue to go to the gym. And I don't have to eat healthier. I just have to eat less. I will, I am.

Sometimes it all feels like invisible changes, but I look back. Everything's different, and getting thin, it looks easier and easier.

One moment, I can't imagine accomplishing everything. The next, I look at everything I've already done.

I've got this under control.


I. Have. Control.

So do you.
Take it.


PS: Mobile Version Up and Running!!! xoxo

Sep 23, 2011

Here I Am

Sitting at my Desk. Photo Editor. In over my head once again...

I can't describe how tired I am. School doesn't even start until Monday and I can barely keep up with what I have. I just want to sleep. I want to exercise. I don't want to eat. Yet, I can't manage to make all of those things happen. I know it will probably be easier once school starts. To avoid food. To keep myself busy. To make my world spin, just a little bit faster.

I think about blogging every day. But right now, I have to keep my priorities straight. As straight as possible anyway. And if I could be working out, I won't be blogging instead. But I will have time soon. Breaks between classes get me some of my best posts.

Please have faith in me. I'm here, I promise.
And I'm working on it, one pound at a time


Sep 2, 2011

I think...

I think we cry because there's often no better way to express how we are feeling. But that doesn't leave much leeway for blogging. 

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for the absence. My computer has been getting fixed the last couple weeks, and it hasn't left much room for blogging. Any technology I could have used was always in front of someone.

I promise I'll be back and blogging soon, I move in just two short weeks.
Miss You All.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

CW: 140