Jul 31, 2011

Control, Regardless of Desire.

Even Better, 137.2
2 Whole Pounds! Excellent. Tomorrow you need to be the same weight or even better. There is no reason you can't see 136.

Then tomorrow it'll be your birthday dinner with your parents, and your friends. And you must be very careful. Calories will be hidden everywhere. But what is most important? Only one slice. one SMALL slice, of cake. It doesn't fucking matter if it's your favorite. You're in this situation because of things like that.

No 'letting go' on your birthday this year. It will just lead to a disastrous binge that will likely last days. And screw up the entire week of progress. Stay calm. In control. You want thin. If you have more than one small serving of anything. You WILL be fat and disgusting trying on clothes on Tuesday. And worse, hideous even, on your birthday on Wednesday.

I made a deal with my mom. She won't make dinner or eat with me, unless I've already run that day.

Now is the time to tread carefully. You haven't come this far to be beaten by a cheesecake.


Jul 30, 2011

I am strong.

No, Do Not Stress. Dizzy is good. It means you're winning. It means tomorrow you'll wake up and see 138 on the scale. And you'll know it was because you didn't cave. Dizzy feels good. You're light as a feather. Empty and pure. Don't mind how exhausted you are. You are still jogging first thing in the morning. Better to keep your mind off of it now. Get some rest. You're going to need it. You see Eli and L tomorrow. They're both going to want to eat with you. But you're going to say I'm eating with Eli, or I already ate. In the morning you only have to run 3 miles. No problem there. You will not eat to satisfy anyone tomorrow. Only yourself. After all, it is your birthday coming up. YOU are the one who needs to look decent. YOU are the one who will be embarrassed if you eat.

You are in control. You will not bow. Nor break.

It doesn't matter that you're tired! Don't you get it stupid bitch?! You are SUPPOSED to be tired. You deserve it. And it means you're losing. All that disgusting, impure, fat. Those jitters, yeah. Those are good. Dizzy is important. Push through it. You're in control.

That run today. You sweaty pig. You fat fuck. So what if it was almost 90 degrees. You deserved to run in it. You wouldn't have been so overheated if you weren't so fat. All that friction, and bouncing. All the extra effort it takes to lug your huge body around. Jealous of the girl who ran the opposite way in a sports bra and short shorts. You'd be doing it too if you had some fucking willpower. Maybe next summer you'll look decent enough to wear something like that...

Doubt it.

Weight this Morning: 139.2 lbs

3 tablespoons of liquid egg whites (25)
1 white cheddar rice cake (45)
1 teaspoon homemade salsa (5)

Shaken Iced Passion Tazo Tea from Starbucks (unsweetened) with 4 Splenda (0)

4.3 Miles (knee brace worn)
60 minutes 51 seconds
391 calories burned

1 cup Homemade chicken and Broccoli stir fry chopped up (150)
3 tablespoons liquid egg whites (25)

In addition. Lots of diet drinks.

Net: -141

You are tired. Because you are strong.



Sorry everyone for my absence! It has been one crazy week!

I moved back in with my parents. The one thing I've been dreading more than anything. But I took the plunge. And I am SO glad I did. I hardly have to eat a thing.

For example. I told my mother I wanted to try and go for a jog tonight. But we were about to have dinner. She told me she didn't mind eating alone if I wanted to go... ( I did however end up eating with her because I was feeling awful) but dinner was egg whites and dry grilled chicken (250 cal)

Lunch, hah. lunch.

I had a rice cake with a spoonful of salsa. (50 cal) so did she. (plus an avocado)


We went to Jamba Juice,
I got a sixteen oz strawberry nirvana(170) sub blueberries for bananas. (-40?) and then I had half of it.
She got an original smoothie.

It's almost unbelievable how well this is working out.

Tomorrow she and my dad are off work, but they have plans. So I'll be home alone to keep unpacking and exercising. Then our 'family dinner' requires me to make broccoli chicken. which will probable be around 250 cal per serving and I'll skip the rice. This is just too easy...

I am so happy!!! Except... I'm not. It's something I can't quite put words on yet. I'm happy I'm getting my way, however, I'm sinking down. That darkness peering over my shoulder. Threatening to pull me under again. The darkness that is more than Ana. Because Ana makes me happy. Ana, is just trying to help. These feelings though, they take the joy out of my laughter, wipe the smile off my face.

I'm struggling to hold on to happiness. I have everything to be happy about. I'm finally losing... Well not at the moment. But there is the potential to. And even after a weekend in Newport with Eli last week. I'm at 141.4 as of this morning. A matter of water weight to have me at 139 for my birthday.

I'm going to jog tomorrow. I don't care if it hurts. If I can make myself jog 5 miles. I get a caramel flavored fiber one bar. (250?) If I jog 4 miles I get a peanut butter graham square (90) If I jog 3. Haha. I get fuckin' diet mountain dew... Oh wait, I get that anyway. Reward system for fatasses here we go!

Sorry for the babble lovelies!

Stay strong, let that number on your scale creep down with the number on mine.

Us and Ana, Best Friends Forever.


PS, a special shoutout to my lovely girl Darcy, she was in the hospital this week, and we're not sure whats wrong with her. (Not life threatening) but I still want it all to be okay, so keep her in your prayers/thoughts everyone!


Jul 22, 2011

'Both tears and sweat are salty, but they render a different result.
Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you change.'

So I'm making myself a promise to walk at least 20 minutes everyday. I can go with a friend if I like. And I can take something to drink( I stick to juice under 10 cal) But the sole purpose of the outing has to be for the walk. I cant go to the mall and walk for 20 and call it good. That's just additional. I have to have that 20 minutes. and since you know exactly how long it'll take you always have time for it. Walk in a direction as fast as you can for 10 minutes. Turn around and walk back at either the same pace, or something a little slower if you must. and you'll have at least 20 minutes. My 26 Minute walk two days ago let me walk 1.6 miles and burn 140 cal. Wasn't extremely exhausting, so I didn't want to binge like crazy right after. But it did it's job.

You won't see epic results from walking. But it's absolutely better than nothing. So go.

Do Something. Get moving.

 The hardest step for a runner to take is the first one out the door. So if you can't take that running step, just take a step.


Jul 21, 2011

Not a Day Goes By...

That I don't envision myself thin.

and this morning. 139.6

thank you ana. I'm sticking to diet soda for the majority of the day. And then I go Eli's parents place, and I stay until saturday. I've just got to keep the intake under control.

That's all I have to focus on. If I do that. I'll be okay.

If I do that. I'll be thin.


be strong ladies!

Jul 20, 2011

Thinner, dinner?

Being religious is a great cosmic accident.
As is developing an eating disorder.

I can’t honestly say that eating disorders are a predisposition. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. But I don’t know, and chance are I won’t be the one to figure it out.

My apologies in advance. But I am drunk right now.
Miller Light Lime, 100 cal per bottle. Plus Smirnoff blueberry lemonade. X 2 servings. And my alcohol cals totally overtook my food cals. As it should be.

I’ll be thin. So will you.
We’ll be happy, and Ana too.

Stay Strong, Think thin, Live Ana.

We’re closer than we were yesterday.


Jul 18, 2011

Fat in the Forties, Thinner in the Thirties.

I never thought 144 would be my fat weight. I felt like I’d never get there in the beginning. And knowing now that it is the weight that makes me feel like a balloon is… Incredible. I still hate the number. It still needs to be lower, but after all this time, and all this struggle with yo-yo-ing ( I will be good to Eli, I don’t care about Eli, I’ll be good to me, to Ana, good good good) It’s slowing creeping downward. And who would have thought living with Phillip is what would make it the easiest, he’s so caught up in his own little world that he doesn’t even notice that I rarely eat. That I check the scale minimum four times per day.
That my weight is going down. Finally. Steadily. I went to Bend, (my favorite city in Oregon. I swear to God I am going to live there after college) to go camping, and after 4 days of junk food and bullshit. My fatass weighs 144. Not the 157 that it used to pop up to. Not even 145, the number that my body just seems to adore. But 144.

And before bend. Just this last Thursday. I saw 139.6 and Wednesday, I was also in the 130s. Fuckin’. Finally. I’m proud of myself. And I know that once this food gets its way out of my system, all be right back there. And easily in the 130s for my eighteenth birthday. Only 30 more pounds to go.

Stay Strong Lovelies. I am.


PS If you have tried to talk to me recently, and I have royally failed at getting back to you, give me a kick in the ass. I have a working phone now and I'll get back to you ASAP!!!

Jul 13, 2011



Fucked up. Absolutely.

I'm frustrated with myself for talking to Eli, but at the same time I’m relieved. I really believe he wants to understand. And miraculously my resolve feels strengthened. Not undone like I had imagined. I broke down crying last night. And this morning, felt calm. I went to see the horse I’m caring for. And he ate breakfast without me. Didn't even ask if I was hungry.
It was amazing. It's noon, I've been up for around 4 hours. And I've only had liquids. I intend to keep that up until dinner. Then I'll keep it light.

I never thought that talking would strengthen me.

I will Not. Be fat for my birthday.

Jul 11, 2011

I'm still here, I promise.

I'm sorry for being  absent. Honestly, I haven't been busy. Not much has been happening. I haven't been exercising. But I haven't been eating either.

My knee is royally screwed up. It'll take weeks of recovery, and then I'm supposed to work back slowly into exercise. I'm going stir crazy. but I'm also losing all motivation. I think I'm getting depressed. I spent an hour laying on a bean-bag chair, curled up in a ball staring mindlessly at a television show telling myself I'd refill my diet lemonade on the next commercial, and the next, and the next... But I couldn't manage the willpower to even get up and do it. It is so hard to manage the willpower for anything. Refusing food though, has been one of the easiest things.I've been under 500 calories, 5 of the past 7 days. and under 850 on the other 2. Not much to be proud of. But the bit of weight I'd put back on through my anniversary and holiday is coming off. I will be in the 130s for my birthday. Which is an unbelievably short time from now. August 3rd. But 2 pounds is totally reasonable. Honestly, if I had the energy, I could make it happen in just a few days. But sadly for me, I don't.

It'll come back I think. I just need to get my head on straight.

I just cant think.

I need food.
I need sleep.
I need time with friends.

I need motivation. and exercise.
I will be thin.

This is my time to set my habits. I can't start another school year being the fatass. I have no reason to be anywhere in the 130s by the time school starts. But honestly. I'd even settle for anything under 135 at this point... Then christmas could be 130, spring break 125, next summer starts at 120... next thing people know I'd be a senior in college and 110 pounds.

I feel like I'm failing...


No one's there to catch me.

Ana, Please.