Apr 20, 2011

Pain, Pills, Procrastination, & an Ephiphany

I ran 5.5 miles today, I was kickboxing yesterday. I'll be doing kickboxing tomorrow. Then if I'm lucky, Zumba on friday. Needless to say. I really, really, hurt.

Intake today has been good, an apple(65), half a reduced sugar power bar(135), 1 packet of hammer gel energy gu(90)

Output is at 569 calories.

So I'm well in the negative. That much I'm proud of, but I'm just having issues with life in general. I'm exhausted. I forgot to make my followup with my doctor(for my adderall refill) and now I don't have one until May 10th, and I'm out, so I'm back to not being able to pay attention in class =[

I don't feel like I'm exercising enough. My weight is at 154. which is disgusting, but my clothes are getting looser. And up until today, I'd been eating fairly normally. I'm so confused. =[ I'm down from 157 that I was at not too long ago, still gross. but at least its progress. Never enough. I'm never going to be thin enough. I feel like I'm procrastinating on living my life. Procrastinating on getting thin, Procrastinating on being happy.

And I HATE it.

I just want to be skinny.

But wanting isn't enough, it's time to start doing. But I'm getting there, eating normally has made exercising more, much easier. So I'm going to exercise as much as I can before I gradually start restricting again. And it's going to be very gradual. Rushing into something won't do me any good. It won't be real weight, and I realize that now, it's taken me almost a year. A year of fucking yo-yoing but I really get it. I know it has to be slow, two pounds here, another pound there. But it'll happen, and it won't come back. I really want to dip back into the 140s by the end of the month. I know I'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen. But I also know, that if it takes another week past that, that it will be legitimate.

Slow and steady wins the race. I can't keep speeding my way to the finish line, I just burn out. But one year from now, I'll have found a new low weight, and I'll look FUCKING GORGEOUS. One day at a time.

Mistakes are going to happen.
But I'm going to prevail, and so will all of you.

bye for now lovelies

back to class


See you in 1 lb

1 comment:

  1. that is a beautiful and genious realization. i'm glad you've found it. :)