Mar 3, 2011

What have I forgotten???


Can you believe I finally got permission???

After all this time, after all the worrying, questioning, and lying. All it took was acting healthy & telling him I was going on a diet. I was a little worried when he looked up what the ABC diet was. And I know he bit his tongue. But it doesn't matter, I have FINALLY won.

Congratulations to Ana's Girl! I know it will be hards, but you can do this! This baby has to be healthy, so respect your body because you only get this one time to make sure your baby gets off to the best start possible. Remember when you feel weak, that it's about the baby. Not you, and most importantly, not Ana. Also, Remember! I'm only a text or email away if you ever need a reminder. So again, Congrats dear! You and Jacob are going to do great!

I'm on Day 4 of ABC, I had a bit of a slip up, but I'm not too worried, I'm fasting for the next two days, with addition, to work and exercising I'll more than makeup for the mistake today, the goal is to be around 300 cal in the negative each day. I feel strong, knowing I'm fasting when it isn't even necessary. And knowing that if I go over my cal goal I'm still barely having anything. Past my exercise. Vegetarian. thin girl. I will be thin by my 18th birthday. I have to be.. There really isn't a better motivation...

My period started today... Barely, but nonetheless I feel like a failure. Like my body is getting away with something horrible. It's from eating nonstop for a few weeks, It has been months since the last one, so I know that this is healthy. I know it's better for me.

I know it's healthy. But I hate it. I feel less invincible.

Healthy doesn't exactly have excellent connotations in my mind... FAT, is the implications.

I can't wait to be free. Free of my fat, my disgust, all of it. I'm going to be pretty. I just know it. And it isn't far away.. Just a bit more dedication.

It's actually an amazing feeling, no longer wanting to starve out of existence, just to a less visible self.
Was there ever such a thing as a happy anorexic?
Was there ever such a thing
as an old anorexic?
I'm going to be happy, I'm sick of the EDNOS label. To be honest it just doesn't seem real, and really, 'I just want to be the best Anorexic I can be.' (this was stolen from an article I read recently) It's a chilling concept, but it's what every blogger is striving for, we just want to share our journey to perfection. We all know where we're headed. And we know we won't stop when we should. I have to be a happy Anorexic regardless of a crazy fear of food. I'm determined to have a crazy love for life. It's not optional, I have to, for me, for Eli.

I know I'll never be thin enough.
I'm always going to want to be thinner, but if I'm not willing to let myself be happy. To choose to be happy, there's no point continuing in this world at all.

I've also gotten a new doctor, one with no knowledge of my medical history. And on monday morning, I finally get to talk.

He's going to be a doctor that never will know how I see myself. Because it isn't really relevant to the problem at hand. All he'll know is that I have a possible thyroid imbalance...

Because really. It's insane to have to starve myself just to maintain my weight. And to have to starve and exercise like crazy just to lose a tiny bit.
I know all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and I have most of them. Essentially my metabolism is really slow due to an issue in my thyroid gland... Most of the women in my family have thyroid issues, so with my family history, it doesn't come as much of a surprise. They'll do a quick little test and provided my thyroid levels are where I imagine they are I'll probably get on a mild dose of thyroid that will at least put my metabolism where it should be.

Veggie Diet: FEELS SO GOOD! I love knowing that theres not a chance that I'm going to eat meat. It feels pure, it's really phenomenal. And lents starts on Wednesday (regardless of my lack of catholicism) I'm celebrating the practice anyway in support of a Chiara. I'm giving up all sweets, in addition to meats. With it being a religious practice, no one can argue it. And Eli completely supports it! Because he wants me happy =]

I'm really ecstatic about life right now. It really couldn't get much better. I'm finally a vegetarian!!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Wow I wonder what Lillie said :0)

  3. Dang that is so sweet!!! Mostly I juz wanted 2 see how my comment would look in that cool text font, I dont know how you did it but this blogsite is breathtakingly beautiful :0)