Feb 11, 2011

can't you see how miserable I am?

I don't know what happened to the idea of me blogging so much more, things have been insanely busy lately and I'm having an issue keeping up. I was so sure I could blog more after my midterms were over... And there were more tests and more essays and now I'm two weeks away from a whole bunch more tests... What to do?

It's killing me though.. The way Eli can convince me of things. I think it's partially because a piece of me wants to be better, a little piece of me doesn't want to struggle so much. To have just a normal relationship with food. To have a normal relationship with him... I think thats what I'm the most desperate for...

I really just want things to be okay. It's killing me now though, I'm eating when I'm alone. Which is something I really hate, I try to avoid it generally. But I've been doing it more and more often. And it has.to.stop.

I managed to down two bagels this morning. At 260 cal each, a month ago I couldn't have imagined doing that. And a month from now, I wont be able to. I'm disgusted with myself and I'm done eating alone.

Saving this for the time I do eat. alone. without reason, I have a yogurt that offers me a deal along with it. if i eat it, i have to throw it back up. which means i've avoided it for a while since i'm fairly afraid of getting to involved in throwing things up. but it's time. i know i'll be eating it before this weekend is over, and i'll be eating it alone.

i'm preparing to open a door i may not be able to shut. but i'm ready now.it's really time. i feel...calm.

well, this post has been all over the place. i'm back lovelies i really am, it's just gonna take some time to find my way back to blogger, eli is around so much more now.

think. thin. think. thin. think thin. think thin. think thin. think thin. think thin.

i love the pattern of typing that. think thin. almost all with the right hand... haha i'm sorry, the drugs are making me batty.

love you lovelies.
just remember if you eat it. it doesn't have to stay in your stomach. teehee

ssttla
xxxblakexxx

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