Jan 3, 2011

Happy (Late) New Year!

This is how I imagined college life...

Got out of bed this morning, before my alarm was set to go off. I kissed my handsome
boyfriend goodbye. Drank a 20 cal vitamin drink. And on my way out the door grabbed a diet coke and a 30 cal energy/protein packet.

First things first. Lets go to the gym.

Done. Unfortunately, it was only a 100 calorie workout... Given I was a bit dizzy and incredibly sick to my stomach from my vitamin supplements on an empty
stomach. Which makes for an incredible relationshi
p with Ana, and not so great of one with the elliptical... The good news, is I've burned off all the calories I will consume
at school today. I intend to eat nothing at my sorority's formal dinner tonight. This is day three of my liquid fast. I consumed under 100 liquid calori
es yesterday. I'm going out to dinner with Eli on wednesday so it will end then unfortunately, but not to an excess, I'm going to be good to myself, tell him I've been feeling ill, and I'll make sure to burn at least 500 extra calories that morning.

I'm sitting here in what we on campus call the MU (see link). I'm drinking my diet coke and listening to my favorite Ana inspired playlist. Sitting here in a down jacket because I can't get warm, I have my first class of the term at 10am it's
history for two hours, then biology at 1pm and english (intro to fiction) at 2pm.

After that I have a two hour break that I have to go buy my books in, then I'll have formal dinner and go home to a lovely boy who will have already eaten, because I will have 'eaten' too. I'll do my homework and hang out with him befor
e we curl up and tuck in for the night.
How did I get so Lucky?

I worry a bit
that Ana will want to get in the way of this perfection
.. That she'll slowly peel me from him by drilling into my brain that it's not real. That he isn't as good for me as she is... When we all know he's better. The thing for me is, I refuse to let go of either of them. I am going to sink farther into this without taking him with me. It seems impossible long term, but this disorder. This disease is all about perfection. And I have to keep a balance to have that. I'm more than willing to put in the time though, the effort.

New Years Resolutions
-Lose at Least 25 P
This seems mild but its a starting point and it will put my losing at a slow enough rate to not raise too many eyebrows...
-Blog at least two times per week.
It's not a lot, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to do at least that at school, since I can't blog at home.
-Escape Therapy
Whether it is by losing slowly or avoiding my doctor all together. This has to be done! I've all together stopped g
oing to the psych. I liked her. But I'm in no way ready to, 'bite the bullet' so to speak.
-More email buddies!
There is nothing more inspiring to me than to email with people like all of you that want the same things.
- At least 3.5 GPA for the next 3 terms.
- Shift manager promotion at Arbys
- No jeans can fit
-Gym 4 days a week
This shouldn't be too hard. I have plenty of time on my hands in the mornings. I'm hoping to go before my classes M,T,W,F Then anything else is just lucky.
-Fitness class 2 times per week.
My campus has amazing fitness
classes that I have access to. No sense in accomplishing nothing during my down time.

My goals are pretty basic for right now... I'm just going to focus because I will hit 139 in the near future. And I won
't look back. Not for a second.

My doctor probably wont be the happiest when he sees me 18 days from now.
Because my weight will be down. Not incredibly. But down none the less. And if all goes well I won't have to see him for quite a while. I'm going to try and push out seeing him to 2 months this time. That will give me more to work with. When I d
o see him at some point this year, he's going to tell me to stop. He's
going to tell me it's not my fault, that I'm sick. That he can help me. I'm not ready for that yet. But I will be when I get there.

I'm not quite sure how to deal with my parents when the time comes.. Avoiding food is easier around them than it is with Eli. Eli makes it hard on me, he doesn't mean to, but he's aware and ignorance really is bliss. My parents are simple considering that they want everything to be fine I'm not hungry, I already ate, I don't really care for that. Excuses that work so well are going to get me through.

I feel empowered, I'm sitting here, surrounded by a hundred people giving into their hunger yet again. Running purely on liquids. I've exercised, walke
d around campus in 24 degrees, and yet I'm not even remotely hungry. They say day three is the hardest, and it kills me because I know that today is it. Tomorrow will be a breeze, and then wednesday night I'll be eating, unless I can get around it. Which isn't really possible.

I'm going to liquid fast on thursday, however it wont be a zero cal day. My sorority has a function that I'll be going to, and most likely get hammered at. Friday though, I work in the morning, and at night, with class in between making liq
uid fasting more than doable ( I am going to allow myself 5 saltine crackers on this day to combat the hangover, as well as some electrolyte powder added to my drink. It won't be near a zero cal couple of days, but it will be damn close to fully

After that I get really lucky. I have work all day saturday and sunday, and then I essentially repeat today all over again. My life is falling into a cycle, it's lovely, and even better. Every week, the scale will say a lower number.

Come on ladies, lets fast to 139 (or your Short-term GW)!

Stay with me everyone, I'm back, I'm really, really back.




  1. I'll stay with you honey,
    Emailing with you is the best thing ever: )

    You're amazing girl I love your post its inspiring!! I'll email you!!
    Love, x

  2. Good luck with all your new year's resolutions! We're all in this together, and 2011 is gonna be our year.