Jan 24, 2011

Where Can I Even Start?


Oh lovelies,

I feel horrible for the slightly elusive behavior I have been exhibiting over the past few months. Far from the honesty that I had started with, I wanted to blog but I had to constantly considering who was reading it. Whether my psych was believing my facade and whether I could drink enough water before the next doctor visit.

I've been learning what it's like to be sick. To be really, truly, sick. Much from the game that everything was when it started so long ago, when I was still a child, wide eyed and amazed at the piles of elegant bones that my computer screen portrayed to me. I have been struggling with the truth. The ambition, and motivation, to look like what I see. The guilt, every. single. time. that a morsel of food passes my lips. Terror, looking into the mirror realizing that indeed, I can not smash it into a million little pieces and successfully change the reality of what is staring back at me. Disgust, every time that my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful. While I sit there wondering what it was that struck his head so forcefully that he might actually believe something as insane as that.

I really struggled with my first term of this year. I got in that motorcycle accident and the pain pills just put me in a haze… I ate and ate. I couldn’t feel when I was full. I couldn’t feel. Which I did enjoy, just not the physical results. At this point, my motorcycle is just about to get fixed, it’s been an incredibly long time, and I hadn’t realized just how attached I was to that piece of machinery. It really feels as if a piece of me has gone missing since my bike was torn out from underneath me.

Forced to eat semi-normally under the watchful eye of a doctor who it turns out doesn’t really care… But I’ll get to that in a minute. He set rules out, which I’ve mentioned. He stated simple requirements that were simple really, and I chose to follow them to be safe. It was pure, mental turmoil. And most of the time I sobbed while I ate, or sobbed on my floor when I realized one meal had added up to around 500 pathetic calories.

But all of this, I did. I struggled for months with a fa├žade of healthy. Happy. Sane.

But I’m not, I’m not healthy, not mentally, I have no desire to be legitimately healthy. I desire to be happy, but I’m not happy right now. I’m not going to be happy until I’ve wasted away quite a few more pounds. I don’t think I’m sane. If I were I wouldn’t want this the way that I do… I’m practically living off of diet pills… but I’m okay with that. Every pill rushes a sense of calm over me along with a sheet of Goosebumps.

I saw that psych only once, I do realize with upmost certainty, that it should have been years more than that… But I don’t have any desire to ever go back. And I won’t, at first the struggle against doctors and therapist was sort of endearing, a motivating concept, to watch them worry every time that number was lower… Watching them scramble, trying to figure out how to convince this ‘poor’ girl that she’s going to kill herself like this. I was enjoying it. Every time someone told me that I simply ‘could not’ lose anymore weight right now. I’d skip the next meal and hit the gym. Relishing in appearing in front of my doctor dizzied, and lighter than the time before.

Then one day it stopped being fun… I dreamt a terrible nightmare that put me in a hospital bed with liquid calories being forced into my veins. My doctor looking over shaking his head, talking to another doctor ‘I told her she just couldn’t keep going’ I tried to scream out. Tried to make them stop, to tell them that I was fine. I felt fine. And that I just wanted out that bed. But I was silent, and restrained. The screaming and flailing wouldn’t leave my mind and I couldn’t understand it.

Then I woke up. Sitting, panting, covered in a cold sweat. Analyzing the dream, I can’t tell you why I was restrained. I don’t know if I was ‘strapped’ to the bed, or paralyzed, or anything like that. But I was silenced. In my mind I interpreted it as the concept of what was going to happen to me if I kept it all up. The doctors were going to start silencing me, they would start taking away my options, my rights, my ability to choose, to protest. And I just couldn’t have that. So I began to eat… Slowly at first, then quickly, and frantically, as if my own future depended on it. And who knows, maybe it did. But I was miserable. I began eating to eat, just so that if someone, anyone asked. I could swear that I had. And no one would be able to take away my voice.

Somewhere in all this, I lost the words to speak with. I was working so hard to keep my voice, I’d lost the most important part. My vocabulary. I no longer realized how to explain to you all how I was doing, so I stopped blogging, I tried the recovery bit, I really wanted to give it an honest effort. But it just isn’t in me. Not now, maybe it never will be. All I know is that I want to collapse a pile of bones, not fall and bounce because I just ‘wanted’ to be thin.

It pains me to know that I haven’t been around as much as I should be, I have tried to respond to emails best I can… and I have been on facebook far more frequently, since it’s a much easier means of communication with my lifestyle as it is. Recently I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into my little ana world. I’ve been bitch and rude to Eli, something that he doesn’t deserve in the slightest, since really, he cares so much about me and anything he does, I know he does strictly for my benefit. Maybe not my mental ‘benefit’, but for my physical health. I started dropping weight rapidly again, all before my last doctors appointment, (an appointment I had to get a pregnancy test since I’m two months late) and when I walked in, dangerously close to the danger zone the doctor tried to use to set me straight this summer. Nothing was said, nothing implied. No worried looks, because I’m not ‘thin’. My doctor didn’t think that my weight loss was serious. My mental health is stable.

I recently (by recently, I mean this last Friday) put in my two weeks notice at the pizza place, it’s a stress I don’t need, and I’m not, nor will I be, making enough money for it to be worth it at present.

I told me doctor this, he proceeded to ask how I’ve been sleeping (more, funny what not working when you should be sleeping will do), whether I started the prozac(never), if I’ve been exercising a lot(said ‘well, I’m studying for midterms right now) not an evasive answer, not an all encompassing answer. But generally one that would spark interest in a caring adult. And what happened next set everything into perspective for me.

Absolutely nothing,

Nothing happened, he chalked all of my issues up to stress. Identified that he thought I was looking much better, didn’t check my knee like he was supposed to (motorcycle accident). Didn’t ask about my psych appointments (that I haven’t been going to). Told me that my messed up periods were most likely from coming off birth control (in November, as if.) Told me to make an appointment in 6 weeks if I was still having some problems with my ‘cycle’ (what is it called if it doesn’t exist, hah). And I was sent on my way.

So This, Is what freedom tastes like.

-------------------------------------------

I have my mid-term exams this week (three of the four) and then next week I have one that should be fairly simple… Then I intend to get back to blogging. And I mean blogging for real. I’ve started the ABC Diet today, and so far I’m doing okay, with the day a little more than half over.

I also took a picture recently, of where I’m at now, and I put it on facebook, but I may as well put it here as well. Or I’ll never start posting them. I’m going to start posting pics at GWs or at least once per month. (It should be more often, as long as I’m hitting goal weights, but we’ll see).

Let me know what you think, GOD it feels so GOOD TO BE BACK!!!!

xoxoblakeoxox

By the way, if you want to PM me, the new email for that is anasarms@hotmail.com =]

Jan 11, 2011

Fat. Disgusting. Worthless.

Ten pound challenge huh?

You had so much potential…

It’s really a pity that you have no self control.

You’ll always be the giant that girl at work claims you to be… here I am, wasting my time trying to help you… If you wanted help, you’d be begging me at my feet…. You did order diet pills this morning…

That’s a start…Not much of one… What you really need to get your hands on is Adderall, that will keep you up for days, you’ll drop weight like that. Who cares if it’s dangerous,

who cares if itmakes you sick… Thin.. Thin… Thin.

You’re buying diuretics as we speak, wandering the aisles, looking around. Hoping no one you know is around. As if you could hide your fat rolls from your friends… As if no one comments behind your back. As if you're actually pretty.

AS. IF.

Only one packaged purchased? Oh, you grabbed two, good you’ll be needing them. WAIT! You’re passing the laxatives! No! GO BACK! You can not leave this store without them. I promise, they won’t make you s

ick, really, as long as you take them on an empty stomach you should be fine. All right, just get more when you finish the laxative tea you have at home.

The goal is to lose 10 pounds as quickly as you can…But more than that, it’s to keep that weight off for a minimum of three days, to rid yourself of this plateau. All you need is me, and some ephedrine, some energy drinks,

and some fucking willpower you stupid bitch.

That's all I'm even worried about, is your goddamn lack of willpower. If you had any, you'd be thin by now.

Then I might actually be able to look at you.

Disgusting Pig. Remind me why I bother with you? Oh yes, potential. Get that razor blade this week, time for some spiritual cleansing.

You need to waste away… I can help you. I’ll make everything better.

Promise you’ll listen to me, and I’ll promise to take care of you. Just a little trade off.

Just come here, curl up in my arms…


Remember... I'm here to pick you up.... Just let yourself fall.

Jan 10, 2011

10 Pound Challenge

I joined a group on facebook with my ana profile,

The plan is to lose ten pounds as quickly as possible, and to keep it off for 3 days.

I have to do this. I jumped up to 155 this weekend with Eli feeding me, so if I drop past the 10 pound mark for a good three days, I can kick this damn plateau in the ass.

Anybody in?

This fatness has to go.

Jan 4, 2011

Networking!

Hello Lovelies! This is short and sweet.

Facebook


twitter

check out @anas arms

hope to get your friend requests soon!

Blake


update from since I posted whats above.

The bf found out I hadn't eaten in three days.
We're having dinner together tonight. Frickin lovely. Be strong for me lovelies, I'm breaking with every bite of food.

Jan 3, 2011

Happy (Late) New Year!

This is how I imagined college life...

Got out of bed this morning, before my alarm was set to go off. I kissed my handsome
boyfriend goodbye. Drank a 20 cal vitamin drink. And on my way out the door grabbed a diet coke and a 30 cal energy/protein packet.

First things first. Lets go to the gym.

Done. Unfortunately, it was only a 100 calorie workout... Given I was a bit dizzy and incredibly sick to my stomach from my vitamin supplements on an empty
stomach. Which makes for an incredible relationshi
p with Ana, and not so great of one with the elliptical... The good news, is I've burned off all the calories I will consume
at school today. I intend to eat nothing at my sorority's formal dinner tonight. This is day three of my liquid fast. I consumed under 100 liquid calori
es yesterday. I'm going out to dinner with Eli on wednesday so it will end then unfortunately, but not to an excess, I'm going to be good to myself, tell him I've been feeling ill, and I'll make sure to burn at least 500 extra calories that morning.

I'm sitting here in what we on campus call the MU (see link). I'm drinking my diet coke and listening to my favorite Ana inspired playlist. Sitting here in a down jacket because I can't get warm, I have my first class of the term at 10am it's
history for two hours, then biology at 1pm and english (intro to fiction) at 2pm.

After that I have a two hour break that I have to go buy my books in, then I'll have formal dinner and go home to a lovely boy who will have already eaten, because I will have 'eaten' too. I'll do my homework and hang out with him befor
e we curl up and tuck in for the night.
How did I get so Lucky?

I worry a bit
that Ana will want to get in the way of this perfection
.. That she'll slowly peel me from him by drilling into my brain that it's not real. That he isn't as good for me as she is... When we all know he's better. The thing for me is, I refuse to let go of either of them. I am going to sink farther into this without taking him with me. It seems impossible long term, but this disorder. This disease is all about perfection. And I have to keep a balance to have that. I'm more than willing to put in the time though, the effort.


New Years Resolutions
-Lose at Least 25 P
ounds
This seems mild but its a starting point and it will put my losing at a slow enough rate to not raise too many eyebrows...
-Blog at least two times per week.
It's not a lot, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to do at least that at school, since I can't blog at home.
-Escape Therapy
Whether it is by losing slowly or avoiding my doctor all together. This has to be done! I've all together stopped g
oing to the psych. I liked her. But I'm in no way ready to, 'bite the bullet' so to speak.
-More email buddies!
There is nothing more inspiring to me than to email with people like all of you that want the same things.
- At least 3.5 GPA for the next 3 terms.
- Shift manager promotion at Arbys
- No jeans can fit
-Gym 4 days a week
This shouldn't be too hard. I have plenty of time on my hands in the mornings. I'm hoping to go before my classes M,T,W,F Then anything else is just lucky.
-Fitness class 2 times per week.
My campus has amazing fitness
classes that I have access to. No sense in accomplishing nothing during my down time.

My goals are pretty basic for right now... I'm just going to focus because I will hit 139 in the near future. And I won
't look back. Not for a second.

My doctor probably wont be the happiest when he sees me 18 days from now.
Because my weight will be down. Not incredibly. But down none the less. And if all goes well I won't have to see him for quite a while. I'm going to try and push out seeing him to 2 months this time. That will give me more to work with. When I d
o see him at some point this year, he's going to tell me to stop. He's
going to tell me it's not my fault, that I'm sick. That he can help me. I'm not ready for that yet. But I will be when I get there.

I'm not quite sure how to deal with my parents when the time comes.. Avoiding food is easier around them than it is with Eli. Eli makes it hard on me, he doesn't mean to, but he's aware and ignorance really is bliss. My parents are simple considering that they want everything to be fine I'm not hungry, I already ate, I don't really care for that. Excuses that work so well are going to get me through.

I feel empowered, I'm sitting here, surrounded by a hundred people giving into their hunger yet again. Running purely on liquids. I've exercised, walke
d around campus in 24 degrees, and yet I'm not even remotely hungry. They say day three is the hardest, and it kills me because I know that today is it. Tomorrow will be a breeze, and then wednesday night I'll be eating, unless I can get around it. Which isn't really possible.

I'm going to liquid fast on thursday, however it wont be a zero cal day. My sorority has a function that I'll be going to, and most likely get hammered at. Friday though, I work in the morning, and at night, with class in between making liq
uid fasting more than doable ( I am going to allow myself 5 saltine crackers on this day to combat the hangover, as well as some electrolyte powder added to my drink. It won't be near a zero cal couple of days, but it will be damn close to fully
liquid.

After that I get really lucky. I have work all day saturday and sunday, and then I essentially repeat today all over again. My life is falling into a cycle, it's lovely, and even better. Every week, the scale will say a lower number.

Come on ladies, lets fast to 139 (or your Short-term GW)!

Stay with me everyone, I'm back, I'm really, really back.

xxxblakexxx

SSTTLA