Oct 6, 2010

Ready, set, starve!

My doctor called me again...

Asked if I'd gotten the appointment at student health... I lied, I said I didn't because I didn't want to have to go if I didn't want to... He told me I had to get in there... That I had to make an appointment, and essentially that if I didn't... He was concerned enough to try to contact my parents. See, on the one hand, he can't. Its a breach of doctor-patient confidentiality... On the other, he has every right, because he believes I am going to become a danger to myself. I really think that It's kind of ironic... That after all this time, someone might actually talk to my parents... And when I'm so close to my eighteenth birthday too... =/

On a side note, I drank with a friend friday night, and we really wanted food... Went to my apartment and he and I ate half the fridge. There were cinnamon rolls and lean pockets, and pizza slices. I woke up at 155 pounds, totally screwing over all my progress... On the happy note, I've eaten virtually nothing, and I'm down to 146 today but I'm teetering so easily from there to 150 that it's kind of scary... I'm not overly concerned however because I've majorly managed to strengthen my resolve. I found that before I was trying to avoid all food sources because it made me hungry, and now, I'm sitting near one of my favorite places to eat, just enjoying the smell of it all. Because I know I'm stronger than that. I rolled around three hundred calories yesterday, planning on even less today. Plus I'm busier.

I've been sick for the past couple days, so I haven't made it to the gym at all, but I figure I should give myself the chance to really deal with this before it gets worse and I'm out of the gym for way more than a week. But next week I'm going to the gym at 6:30 A.M. monday through thursday with Chiara and Phillip, monday wednesday is full body, tuesday thursday is yoga. I'm looking forward to kicking off my day with that... And water. Haha

I know I can drop five pounds in the next few weeks, before I see my doctor. He's not going to call my parents and I know that. Because he knows as soon as he does, I'll lie. And explain to them how I'm so busy, and how I just don't always eat much, because I forget. They'll feel so bad, tell me to take some time off work and life will be good.

Every time he tells me he's worried. I'm that much more motivated. I'm going to scare him. And it's going to feel really good. =] Every weak moment my body has, my mind feels stronger. I love being surrounded by the warm smell of food. Just sipping my water. The only person with any willpower. It's a pity really. I should have realized how good I could be at this a long time ago.

Stay with me ladies, I'm back. I'm done letting anyone get in my way. Not Eli, nor phillip, or chiara, or my doctor.

This. Is. Mine.
And I intend to claim it. I've got my skinny planned out. Just imagine how nice christmas will be =] 20 pounds from now.

xoxo lovelies!


Slight intermission there. Had ballet! Have to burn off the fat somehow. Even if I am sick. =[ But not to worry, I actually started getting dizzy in class. Whether it be from being sick, or severe restriction. I know that my body can go for a long time on just water. I have plenty of fat reserves. I haven't felt what hungry feels like yet. I've only felt what wanting feels like.
And I like it. I like wanting. It means it's all working correctly. I can go so far with this. I can exercise harder. I can eat even less. I'm on water so far. And I'm a third of the way through my day. =] I have a low-carb, low-cal, low-sugar energy drink to sip when I go to lunch at 2, and if he pesters me. And my resolve fails me. I will chop things up into such minuscule little bites that I'll hardly have anything at all.

I keep talking to Eli about everything. A little bit every day, and it has seemed to slow down his questioning of everything. I let him peek at all the numbers in my head. We agreed, it's a miracle I'm not failing every class. I can hardly think of anything. Just food, and cutting calories, and perfection, something that I am not going to achieve if I can't focus. I need to achieve a Ghandi like mentality, let my lack of food aid me in studying.

Sitting around, watching all the fat people eat. I swear I don't see anyone of an average, healthy weight. Everyone is either overweight, or underweight, and the latter, certainly doesn't... 'outweigh' the first (morbid I know)

I am going to be so proud of myself if I can make it through the day on water. In fact, if I manage to just have water during lunch with ross, I'm not going to have anything but it for the rest of the day. In fact I'll probably just up my intake by another bottle and call it good... If all works well I'll try and hold a water fast through tomorrow. I've been doing well so far, it's getting easier to restrict everything. But I'm not losing fast enough anymore. It'll change though. Being back at the gym next week will do such a good job of kicking my body into gear. I'm pretty sure if I really tried, I could stay on water until then. I'd be in a bit of euphoria by bid day (the last day of sorority recruitment at my uni, yes I am for positive joining one). But I like the idea of the 'runners high' from dieting. The longer you do it, the easier it becomes.

If I can make it until friday like this, there will be no excuse to not make it till monday. Gahhh day one, two, and three... They are going to destroy me emotionally. (side note: I'm also taking dayquil cough syrup which rolls in at 93 calories a serving =[ ) I'm going to keep taking it though, as I'm going to try and make it my only intake, which should still keep my intake under 300 cal per day. I need to do a weigh in at the gym, I need to find out how much I actually weigh. Because when I go to the doctor I need the scale at the gym to say no more than 143, and I think I am a far cry from there right now.

Sorry for the insane ranting... I guess it's easier than eating.

I miss you all, sorry for being so lame about responding to emails. Keep at me though! I'll get back to you =]



  1. It sounds like youre doing fantastic.
    and i just thought i'd let you know that there is now a zero calorie/carb monster :]

  2. i get soooo pulled in by smell - your willpower is amazing! please be careful with restricting though, especially when you have to do ballet...i'm worried you will hurt yourself. but if you can't think of it like that just think if you faint it will draw more attention to you and ppl will probe even more!
    stay strong beautiful xx

  3. I miss you and I am wishing you the best. You're one of my best friends and I know how much you want this. It's not always easy, but we do it not for the difficulty, but for the near-impossibility. Each day is just that much harder. The mountain gets that much steeper. Yet, we all keep looking upwards, and at the top... perfection. Just remember how good it'll feel, empowered by all that surrounds you when you've reached your goal. We all have one, ana/mia or just an "normal person", but the goals themselves define us. You're writing your path, and I'm glad to be a part of the journey.

    :) xoxo

  4. @Vinushka Thanks! I tried it and I swear its become a best friend! I'm trying to cut out carbonation though. =[
    @amy Don't worry too much, It's an entry level ballet class. It's pretty low key, I won't be fainting any time soon =]
    @Darcy I miss you to pieces sunshine! You always make me feel so strong. =]