Plans do make you feel secure... Or maybe it's Brainstorming?

148.1 at the gym, the number doesn't make me happy. But I was dressed, I had been drinking water, I hadn't exercised in a couple of weeks. And the scale at home, (the thing I usually go by) said 144 last night with no clothes on. All of this is definite progress. This means that I can hit 140 sometime next week if I really push it. (again, on my home scale with no clothes, that will constitute a four pound loss, which is what I'm the most concerned about, not so much the number, but the difference in numbers right now.) As long as I do this I'll be right on track for my doctors appointment, which have turned into motivation for everything rather than a detriment to my success.

I went and talked to the stupid doctor, that my general practitioner wanted me to see. Not happy. I do not like her at all. She's old and fat, and asks irrelevant questions and now I have to journal everything I eat, which I'm doing, and then I'm going to buy a notebook a couple days before I see her and I'm going to essentially write down a halved Eli diet. I'm just taking whatever he eats and halving it and writing it down to give her. Then she'll be like 'Oh, you should eat more, but you're doing fine, and you're really not exercising much.' =] Ahh, life is good.

I feel so positive right now, but what I really is to study my biology, find an organic chemistry tutor, and start exercising more regularly, as well as going to bed earlier. I'm going to add a To Do list to the side bar over there ==>

I'll start checking things off as I go, and it'll make it nicer to have it written out there for everyone to see. I think it will be more motivating.

Weight is going to melllllt.

I've ingested near as much as I'm going to for today, it's put me under 300 cal and I'm going to have a smoothie soon (thanks to phillip) who swore it will be completely sugar free. Which means when done the way I asked will be 10 cal =] [sugar free red-bull, sugar free flavored syrup, and ice] I'm trying to stay away from carbonation, but it wont be the end of the world. Plus it's gonna be the only carbonation I have before (saturday?) i'm pretty sure. Saturday will be a 30 cal energy drink just to get me through all my homework. Given, I'll eat, but I cope so much better when I'm not trying to restrict to zero. I'm just very specific of serving sizes. And I cut corners when I'm preparing things.

It's getting so easy, I think because I'm talking about it more with Eli. He almost cried the other night, but he knows I'm going to the doctor and he knows they can medically 'do more' than he can. Which opens up a lot for me. I am just so excited for christmas, I'm going to look so fantastic! =] Provided everything continues that way that it is. I'm pretty sure that I'm having at least a 1000 calorie deficit almost every day. However, if I can push that to 1500, I should lose around 3 pounds per week. which will give me around 5 more pounds before my doctors appointment, possibly a little less, but it's all good. It's enough to make a difference, and that's all I need, just a little bit thinner every day. I'm going to post pictures when I hit 135! So motivate me you guys and I'll start getting pictures up! After that I'm going to get up a picture every 5 pounds.

I've been thinking a lot, and I understand the fear that I'm going to restrict my way straight into the hospital... Sometimes though, I feel like that wouldn't be so bad. My parents having to know. Maybe they wouldn't push me so hard so much, maybe I could do better with everything without all the pressure. I know I shouldn't end up in the hospital, and I know I'm a really long way from getting there. But if i end up there, I don't know if its the end of my world. I feel like I have a different 'Ana' perspective there, I don't want to trick anyone when my weight gets that low, I'd gain a little, and then teeter there.

I guess I’m just to the point where I guess I don’t want to be seen as so capable, I want to be.. fragile. And I want to be helped. But not yet, not before I get there. I know that it’s flawed to want to be the weak one. And I know I won’t want to be weak like that forever, I just… For a little bit, don’t want to be so fucking responsible. I want to be taken care of a little bit, if that puts me in the hospital next summer, I don’t really care. Gaaah and It kills me, because I know it’s wrong, I know it’s flawed. But I’m so beyond coping. Then again, I feel like this may be partially stemmed by my lack of organic chemistry skill, and the fact that I have to get an A in it, to make it into med school.

THAT’S A LOT OF STRESS. Plus working, knowing I need to pay Phillip back around six hundred dollars. And knowing that I need to do that all before Christmas. Well, not technically, but I’d feel a hell of a lot better if I wasn’t buying Christmas presents while I owed him something. However I feel that it’s likely I’ll end up doing that, either that or I’ll pay him off and then get him something little, as his ‘christmas present’. On a side note, there’s this tool kit that I really know that Eli wants, its about 150 dollars but I feel that it could be a super cool present. I’ve already figured out what I’m getting Chiara, and whatever big I end up with in a sorority. =] Those gifts aren’t too expensive, but I’m going to put together sort of gift baskets.

I’m also going to start going through all of my clothes sometime in the next week. I’m going to sell everything I can, and send all the rest to goodwill. I’m hoping I can make some good cash towards paying phillip and decorating the apartment. =]

That’s the majority of what I have going on right now, I’m just trying to keep everything together, but next week will slow down a bit which is good. I’ll be exercising in the morning with Chiara and Phillip (around 6:30am) and then I’ll be able to exercise in the afternoons for a while.

Love you all!

xxxblakexxx