FAT FAT FAT
We made cupcakes. REALLY YUMMY CUPCAKES.
So I've had two, in 24 hours. And I'm kicking myself for it. But I'm going to the gym in three short hours. And I'm going to be there until I drop a pound. I don't care if its water weight. I'm not leaving until 5:30 if I have to. (because I work at 6) I have my doctors appointment, and I've been letting go because of the look on Eli's face sometimes. It just feels like a punch in the stomach. I feel like a horrible person, and I just eat whatever he puts in front of me. I can't help it.
Luckily, my home scale has been nice and fluctuating between 145 and 147 so I'm not going to post any huge complaints for a while. haha I was 147.8 at the gym yesterday(before the cupcakes though... =[ ) I'm going to aim to be under 147.5 by the time I leave, but I don't know what weight I'll be at when I get there.
My appointment is next wednesday and starting on sunday I'm having only liquids until I tuesday night, and then I'm having nothing from 8pm until my appointment (Although I'm allowing 8 ounces of water if I'm totally dying). I'm downing a few diuretics and maybe a laxative, I need to get everything out of my system, I've worked too hard.
I just know that the next time I go, and the scales down some more that I'll be motivated again, I'll know that I'm wasting, that EVERYTHING is working. I'm going to start jogging at night, only if my homework is done. So that should mean I'll start getting my homework done more often. I can't let myself fail because I'm spending all my time thinking of calories, although it would be so easy... Sometimes I just wish I had a year to waste and then I could start school again without all the thinking.
I'm excited to be going to the gym, I just wish there was something I did on a regular basis that burned calories like crazy, like Eli, he goes on a bike ride and burns 2500 calories. It kills me. =[
I've been spacing on the concept that some people say we're genetically pre-disposed to be anorexic (or fucked up in general). That we can't help it, something happened when we were developing (too much coffee mom) that affected the way we process our body image. Others say we choose, they support the pro-ana "lifestyle" as a choice that anyone can make, and not as something that consumes much of every day. Personally, I don't know where I stand on this. I'm not sure if it's the simple black and white that everyone thinks it is. I feel that it's much more than a yay or nay, a pre-disposed or a choice. People don't seem to understand that even if someone 'chooses' this for themselves. It becomes a part of you that you can't ignore.
Game Plan: under 500 cal per day until Saturday night. Last day of energy drinks
Sunday under 500 of ALL liquids
Monday under 400 of All liquids
Tuesday under 300 or 400 of All liquids (before 8 pm)
Wednesday Nothing until weigh in at 2:30
This is a pretty basic idea, I'm going to stick to it best I can. On the first two liquid days I'm going to be fairly easy on myself as long as stay with only liquids, and away from carbonation.
Sunday will be pretty easy, I'm going to tell Eli that I am doing a liquid day and he'll probably do it with me. =] (WIN)
Monday will be slightly more difficult but it's likely I won't see him most of the day anyway, I'm going to class from 8-2 and then hopefully work until late. No monday night dinner at the sorority, no dinner with him. lots of liquids, and maybe a smoothie or a coffee drink on campus because it's going to be a harder day.
Tuesday I'm pretty sure will destroy me, especially because I have to be at the sorority at 6:30 which means I'll be around food. and I'm going to have a lot of homework as well. But as long as I get home before eight I'll probably make myself one more smoothie and then hit the gym. If I go exercise (it'd be like a walk on a treadmill) I'll give myself half a bottle of water, if not. Then I'm going to crash early and sleep a lot.
Wednesday will actually be easy, it wont be hard to avoid everything until 2:30 especially if I borrow Eli's car....
That's my game plan for the week. Any takers? I'd LOVE a buddy for this one. It's gonna give me some trouble I can feel it.
stay strong my lovelies
think thin, live ana