Oct 25, 2010

28 hours 30 minutes and counting...

Then I see my doctor...

Then he sees my weight.

Then he sees it's not above 150.

And I'm satisfied, but he's still 'Concerned'...

Then something happens. But I don't know what. And I am TERRIFIED.

I'll look at Eli, because he's going to try and come with me. He'll probably try to console me, but it probably wont work. And everything will change. I just don't know what the everything will be yet.

My god I'm craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

I really miss the days when it was as simple as grabbing the food that I wanted and eating it, before the number attached to the meal ruined my whole day. Before making it lower, ruled my life. Before I got a beautiful man involved in something dark and ruining. Before I decided I could never forgive myself for it.

Update: 146.5 lbs as of 7:30 this morning. Mayday, we have a problem.

On the one hand I'm sickly satisfied, but on the other I know that
this can be really damaging. I'm hoping that Eli can come actually, then he can ask the doctor any questions he has... Even if he's late, I just really hope he can. Maybe because I'd like some comfort, and maybe because I think it would make it easier if the doctor talked to him instead of my parents. Because he wont force me to change anything... And it would be wrong of him to try, it's too much responsibility.

I guess I'm just praying that if it comes to talking to someone, that my doctor will choose Eli instead because Then I'll be safe, I really just can't mentally deal with my parents being
involved. It'll only make things worse... Which I occasionally think will let me lose weight faster. But I'm not willing to chance their legitimate involvement.

I think of 146.5 and I just think, It could be lower, I could be thinner, I should have had less, I should have exercised. If for some unknown reason the scale says 144 .- when I wake up tomorrow I will be so satisfied, I'm keeping a mostly liquid diet until I am into the 130's it may be 138 but it's going to be there before I'm scarfing down any taco salad or anything.

I know I can do this, I am strong, I have willpower, I will be thin, and I will not let anything get in my way.

Today: Yogurt smoothie
total cal:125

Tonight I'm having cream of celery soup
total cal: 70

Day total:195

=D =D =D
But it could be less....

thin thin lovelies, it's SO attainable!


1 comment:

  1. Wow, jaw drop at that pic! Heh, there's that taco salad coming up again :p don't snack while you're studying :p I always do it without thinking and eat ridiculously. Good luck! <3